Monday Morning Movie Review: Portly’s Top Ten Worst Films: #7: The Pit (1981)

According to Ponty, he’s already got several of his worst film reviews typed up.  I wish I could claim to be so prepared.  My methodology has been to watch a bunch of movies, and to select those that are particularly bad for review.

That might be a lackluster way to go about this process, but it’s how I picked this week’s film, The Pit (1981).  I’ll strive for a more intentional approach as we get into the truly terrible stinkers, but I hope readers will still appreciate the badness of the movies selected.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Portly’s Top Ten Worst Films: #9: Rocktober Blood (1984)

Here’s hoping everyone had a wonderful Easter weekend.  I’m pretty sure my foot is broken, but I’m hoping to see an orthopedist this week.  I’m also borrowing an orthopedic boot from my mom, who had foot surgery back in January.  The boot works pretty well, and makes me feel like a cyborg—a low-rent, non-threatening RoboCop (1987).  I’ll keep y’all updated, but I think I am going to be fine.

Speaking of mild tragedies, my #9 pick for my list of my Top Ten Worst Films is 1984’s Rocktober Blood, a visually low-quality, goofy film with great songs.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films: #9: Alien: Resurrection (1997)

Good ol’ Ponty is back with another movie review, continuing our mutual countdown of the films we believe to be the Top Ten Worst. You can read his #10 pick here, and my #10 pick here. Ponty continues the fun with Alien: Resurrection (1997). He really rips it a new one. With that, here is Ponty’s review of the 1997 dud Alien: Resurrection:

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Portly’s Top Ten Worst Films: Eaten Alive (1976)

Ponty and I have decided to run down our lists of Top Ten Worst Films, and this week it’s my turn to kick off my list.  The problem is that I often like bad films, so I don’t have a large list conjured up in my head, ready to go.

Nevertheless, I watch some real stinkers.  Most of the “bad” films I watch are simply boring—meandering, pointless, tripe.

This week’s selection, however, is not necessarily boring—there’s quite a bit going on in it—but is so ridiculous and poorly structured, I’m filing it under “bad.”

With that, here is my review of 1976’s Eaten Alive.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films: Dead Snow 2 (Død snø 2; 2014)

Good old Ponty is keeping the lights on at this blog with his submissions.  They are welcome at a particularly busy season for yours portly, and especially after traveling to Indiana this past weekend for my older brother’s wedding.

Ponty and I share a love of horror movies, but especially a love of bad movies generally.  I tend to be much more forgiving of bad movies, as many of them possess entertainment value in their own right (a premise so crazy the film is interesting, even if the parts don’t fit together; or a film that is “so-bad-it’s-good”).  I’m also just not that discerning—or, perhaps, I just like trash.

Whatever the case might be, Ponty doesn’t share my ecumenical approach to films.  He calls a spade a spade—and a pile of crap a pile of crap.

As such, he’s submitted the first of a list of ten films he regards as the worst films of all time.  I’m dubbing this gloriously long miniseries Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films.  The tentative plan is to post these alternating Mondays in lieu of the usual Monday Morning Movie Review from yours portly.  The non-Ponty weeks will be my list of the worst films of all time.l

I’ve kept all of Ponty’s colorful commentary intact; I’ve just added in years for the films, and italicized the titles.  I’ve also provided some useful hyperlinks for those looking to learn more about the subject of his ire.

With that, here is Ponty’s review of Dead Snow 2 (Død snø 2, 2014).  I don’t know if this is his tenth worst film or his first worst film; either way, he makes it sound pretty bad:

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Deep Water (2022)

Do you like psychological thrillers, Ana de Armas, and snails?  If so, you’ll love Deep Water (2022), the story of loveless couple Vic (Ben Affleck) and Melinda (de Armas) Van Allen.

The Van Allens live in an opulent Louisiana town, one that apparently is constantly hosting parties in a kind of never-ending Great Gatsby cycle of good times.  Vic designed the guidance chip in drones, and now lives in comfortable retirement with his insane wife and his precocious daughter, the latter of which sports the unfortunate name “Trixie.”

Melinda constantly and flagrantly carries on flirtations and affairs with younger mother, often quite openly during the various high-life soirees the couple attends.  Vic begrudgingly allows his wife to carry on in this manner, even as his friends express concern.  His philosophy is to let his wife make her own decisions, a philosophy he also extends to his daughter (who opted to attend a—gasp!—public school, rather than a tony private one).

Of course, there’s only so much humiliation one man can take, and despite his Hosea-esque patience with his wife’s adulterous shenanigans, Vic finally—in his own, quiet way—snaps.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: The Electrical Life of Louis Wain (2021)

In continuing with my movie reviews of requested films (see last week’s review of 1999’s Bicentennial Man, which I reviewed at the request of Audre Myers), I’m reviewing 2021’s The Electrical Life of Louis Wain at the request of my Aunt Marilyn.  She recommended the film, which stars Benedict Cumberbatch as the eccentric title character, enthusiastically.

I love Benedict Cumberbatch—one of my favorite current actors—and just about anything about eccentric creative types in Victorian England; needless to say, I loved this film, which details the quite tumultuous, tortured life and mind of Louis Wain, the man responsible for normalizing the keeping of cats as pets.

Viewing the film was a bit tricky at first.  As far as I can tell, it is only on the Amazon Prime Video service.  When I would pull up the movie on there, the only option I could see required an Amazon Prime membership, but my aunt assured me I’d be able to rent it (probably all I had to do was click on that subscription button and I’d be given the option to rent).

It occurred to me that I might still have access to Prime Video through my ex-girlfriend’s account on my Roku; sure enough, I was able to watch the movie—for free!—using those surreptitious means.

Logistical nonsense aside, I should probably review the film, rather than talk about how I had to access it.  All this blogging is going to my head.

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Lazy Sunday CLI: More Movies, Part XV: Movie Reviews, Part XV

After three poetical Sundays (here, here, and here), it’s time to get back to the schlock and sleaze you’ve come to expect from yours portly.  That means more movie reviews!

These three flicks date from late October and early November, the beating heart of the so-called “spooky season.”  As such, these films fall nicely into the spooky category.  Two of them are masterpieces, while another is a dud.

Well, per Meat Loaf, “Two Out of Three Ain’t Bad“:

  • Monday Morning Movie Review: Dracula (1931)” – The local library showed a bunch of the classic Universal Monster Movies in October, and I managed to make it out to 1931’s Dracula.  What a great movie!  It’s easy to see why it was and remains an instant classic.  Highly recommended.
  • Monday Morning Movie Review: Halloween Kills (2021)” – Alternatively, some classics are meant to die young, even if their villains never do.  2021’s Halloween Kills is a lackluster sequel to the 2018 Halloween reboot/sequel/soft reboot/reimagining/etc.  That was a good movie; Halloween Kills was tedious and grating (how many times can random characters shout “Evil Dies Tonight”? before it gets annoying; it might make a good drinking game for those so inclined).  There’s a ham-fisted attempt to work in a message about the violence of mobs, but the movie is ultimately just dull.
  • Monday Morning Movie Review: Wait Until Dark (1967)” – So it’s back to the 1960s, a time when concerns about youthful street hooligans and declining civic virtues (hmm, sounds familiar) wound up on the silver screen.  1967’s Wait Until Dark, starring Audrey Hepburn as a blind woman living with her photographer husband in a basement apartment in New York City, is actually a good movie, and a tense, Hitchcockian thriller.  A couple of thugs and an intimidating Mod harass the poor blind woman, attempting to gaslight her into revealing the location of an antique doll full of drugs.  The setup is a bit ridiculous, but the story itself is taut.  Also highly recommended.

There you have it!  Back to the movies this Lazy Sunday.

Happy Sunday!

—TPP

Other Lazy Sunday Installments:

Monday Morning Movie Review: The Last Matinee (Al morir la matinée, 2020)

I’m finishing out January with one more Shudder-based movie review, then I’m going to knock out the growing list of film review requests.  Audre’s been patiently waiting for a review of Bicentennial Man (1999), which is over two hours long (probably why I keep putting it off—ha!); my Aunt Marilyn has requested The Electrical Life of Louis Wain (2021), which stars Benedict Cumberbatch; and my neighbor Bernard Fife has recommended White Lightning (1973), which he hopes will be part of a “Hick Flick” series of reviews.

I promise to get to all of these films, and as February is the month of love, it seems like as good a time as any to show my readers some love.  If you’ve got any recommendations to make, get them in now, while I’m awash in this generous mood.  Fortunately for you, dear readers, I also experience a crushing, crippling sense of obligation, so chances are if you ask nicely, I’ll review it.  Just leave a comment or e-mail me.

But it’s still January for one more day, so I get to pick the movie.  This weekend, I stumbled upon the 2020 Spanish-language film The Last Matinee (or Al morir la matinée).  The film is a joint production of Uruguay and Argentina, and takes place in Montevideo in 1993.

That alone made it unique, as most Spanish-language horror films seem to take place in Mexico or Spain (Spain, like Italy, apparently has a thriving horror film industry).  What further drew me to the film is that it takes place in a failing movie theater in the heart of the city, and the events unfold during a screening of a cheesy slasher film.

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