Lazy Sunday CXLIX: More Movies, Part XVII: Movie Reviews, Part XVII

We’re back at the movies again this Lazy Sunday with an interesting trio:  a Christmas-themed horror flick; a 1970s exploitation film; and a Spanish-language historical drama.  Guess which I enjoyed the best—the answer may surprise you!

Happy Sunday!

—TPP

Other Lazy Sunday Installments:

Audre’s Worst Horror Movie

As Ponty and I have been rolling through our worst films, we encouraged Audre Myers to submit a review or two for the worst films.  In true Audrean fashion, she slammed out this hilarious, insightful review in no time.

That put me in an extremely mild quandary—when to publish this gem?  Ponty and I are about halfway through our back-and-forth countdown, but it’ll take us at least another eight weeks to finish the series.  I thought briefly about holding off and publishing Audre’s pick for Worst Horror Movie as a surprise for loyal readers.

But how can I withhold Audre’s comedic genius for that long?  More practically, I worried I might lose the e-mail thread—ha!  So I decided to publish Audre’s post now. Think of it as a halfway point reward.

I won’t reveal the title of Audre’s pick yet.  You’ll have to read on to see her choice (and, if you still want to after reading her review, to watch the film—she provides a link to the full thing on YouTube!):

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Lazy Sunday CXLVIII: More Movies, Part XVI: Movie Reviews, Part XVI

After weeks of reblogging posts about my friends, both real-life and virtual, I’ve decided to go back to another well-trod road for Lazy Sunday posts:  my many, many reviews.

Readers might ask why I title these “More Movies, Part [Insert Roman Numeral Here]: Movie Review, Part [Insert Same Roman Numeral Here]”—or, more likely, you didn’t notice until just now.  Either way, I have to offer an explanation:

When I originally started reblogging movie reviews on Sundays, I thought I might end up featuring other posts related to films that were not movie reviews.  Then I realized that pretty much the only times I write about flicks is in the context of movie reviews.

So, maybe one day I’ll do a Lazy Sunday with my rare, non-review movie posts (like this one).  For today, though, I’m just going to pick up where I left off with “Lazy Sunday CLI – More Movies, Part XV – Movies Reviews, Part XV“:

Well, there you go—back to the movies!

Happy Sunday!

—TPP

Other Lazy Sunday Installments:

Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films: #6: Elf (2003)

We’re back with another of Ponty’s picks for the worst films of all time.  As always, Ponty delivers an interesting choice, this time for :  the Christmas film Elf (2003).

Elf is one of those movies I’ve never seen in its entirety, but I know about all-too-well.  It seems that every girl I’ve ever met loves this movie, but not just with some yuletide enthusiasm; they act like it’s the greatest Christmas film ever made.

I don’t know why that is.  Is it because women are incredibly social creatures, and bandwagon about everything remotely popular?  Is it because of the story about a son meeting his deadbeat dad and falling in love with a hipster?  Or is it just harmlessly funny, the kind of non-edgy humor women tend to prefer?

Whatever the reason, it makes me dislike the movie more, perhaps channeling the contrarian curmudgeon inside of me.

Needless to say, I’m with Ponty 100% on this one.

With that, here is Ponty’s review of 2003’s Elf:

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Portly’s Top Ten Worst Films: #7: The Pit (1981)

According to Ponty, he’s already got several of his worst film reviews typed up.  I wish I could claim to be so prepared.  My methodology has been to watch a bunch of movies, and to select those that are particularly bad for review.

That might be a lackluster way to go about this process, but it’s how I picked this week’s film, The Pit (1981).  I’ll strive for a more intentional approach as we get into the truly terrible stinkers, but I hope readers will still appreciate the badness of the movies selected.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films: #7: Hatchet (2006)

The Ponty ‘n’ Portly Schlock-o-Rama rolls, on flipping back to Ponty’s countdown.

I can tell we’re really getting into the dregs already:  Ponty’s review of 2006’s Hatchet makes it sound like the most predictable slasher film ever made, coupled with unsympathetic characters.  The lead was apparently in Dodgeball (2004), but not Justin Long—the other nerdy guy.  I read the review thinking it was Long, which was bad enough.

But enough of my yackin’.  Let’s get on to Ponty’s review:

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Portly’s Top Ten Worst Films: #8: Session 9 (2001)

Ponty really pulled out all the stops with his #8 entry, going after some real, big budget badness.  I feel as though I should follow suit, but that will come all in due time.

Instead, my #8 for my Top Ten Worst Films is, naturally, an indie cult flick that was a critical darling, which  means you know it’s a stinker:  the psychological horror asbestos removal film Session 9 (2001).

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films: #8: Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom (1984)

Ponty keeps the train wreck a-rollin’ with his eighth installment of Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films (here are #9 and #10, in case you missed them).   This week, he’s going for one of the big boys:  1984’s Indiana Jones and The Temple of Doom.

I used to take the contrarian position that I liked The Temple of Doom.  As a kid I loved the whole opening sequence—Short Round, riding an inflatable raft to safety, etc.—and who could forget that quasi-Aztec Indian dude pulling the heart out of people’s chests?

Then I grew up and, as is often the case, the rose-tinted glasses of childhood gave way to the jaded monocle of experience.  While I still don’t think the movie is that bad, the love interest is incredibly obnoxious.  And as Ponty points out, the artifact is quite lame compared to THE HOLY GRAIL and THE ARK OF THE COVENANT!

Of course, how are you going to top those?  Unless it’s a piece of the True Cross or Noah’s Ark, there’s nothing else that really competes.

But don’t let me steal Ponty’s thunder.  I don’t want him ripping my still-beating heart from my chubby chest.

Here is Ponty’s review of his eighth worst film, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom (1984):

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Portly’s Top Ten Worst Films: #9: Rocktober Blood (1984)

Here’s hoping everyone had a wonderful Easter weekend.  I’m pretty sure my foot is broken, but I’m hoping to see an orthopedist this week.  I’m also borrowing an orthopedic boot from my mom, who had foot surgery back in January.  The boot works pretty well, and makes me feel like a cyborg—a low-rent, non-threatening RoboCop (1987).  I’ll keep y’all updated, but I think I am going to be fine.

Speaking of mild tragedies, my pick for my list of my Top Ten Worst Films is 1984’s Rocktober Blood, a visually low-quality, goofy film with great songs.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films: #9: Alien: Resurrection (1997)

Good ol’ Ponty is back with another movie review, continuing our mutual countdown of the films we believe to be the Top Ten Worst. You can read his #10 pick here, and my #10 pick here. Ponty continues the fun with Alien: Resurrection (1997). He really rips it a new one. With that, here is Ponty’s review of the 1997 dud Alien: Resurrection:

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