Audre’s Worst Horror Movie

As Ponty and I have been rolling through our worst films, we encouraged Audre Myers to submit a review or two for the worst films.  In true Audrean fashion, she slammed out this hilarious, insightful review in no time.

That put me in an extremely mild quandary—when to publish this gem?  Ponty and I are about halfway through our back-and-forth countdown, but it’ll take us at least another eight weeks to finish the series.  I thought briefly about holding off and publishing Audre’s pick for Worst Horror Movie as a surprise for loyal readers.

But how can I withhold Audre’s comedic genius for that long?  More practically, I worried I might lose the e-mail thread—ha!  So I decided to publish Audre’s post now. Think of it as a halfway point reward.

I won’t reveal the title of Audre’s pick yet.  You’ll have to read on to see her choice (and, if you still want to after reading her review, to watch the film—she provides a link to the full thing on YouTube!):

The title will give it away!

When I saw this movie, I had to have been around 11 years old. Saturday afternoons with nothing to do or if it were inclement weather, channel WOR in New York had a series called Million Dollar Movie which is the grossest exaggeration of all time! Mostly they were movies from the ‘D’ file of the film library. I watched the movie because … who knows? I was 11. Nuff said? But even an 11 year old can be a canny film critic. In any event, it made an impression on me because I’ve remembered it all these years.

In all honesty, the premise was pretty good – what is that cloud and why doesn’t it move? The dialogue was good and it was nicely paced. Forrest Tucker was good and played his part with just the right amount of intensity (this movie is seven years before F Troop [1965-1967]!). There is some nice filming of British bombers of that period (if your interest runs in that direction; mine didn’t and doesn’t). Here ends the good points of this terrible movie.

The actresses are the type I can’t abide. Janet Jayne (not exactly a household name) is the older sister who sees to her younger sister (Janet Munro) – and her all dewy-eyed and helpless (pardon me while I retch) and some kind of psychic. The producers wisely held off and shielded the ‘what is in the cloud’ til the last possible minutes of the movie. The ‘big reveal’ was … hilarious! Who, in their right mind, could ever find terror in these things? It’s sort of embarrassing. I was glad then and I’m glad now that I saw it on TV and didn’t pay for a movie ticket! First they were ‘taken out’ with Molotov cocktails (although, in 1958, the year of this movie, I don’t think they were known by that phrase). Then, of course, they call in the British to drop bombs (which somehow don’t destroy the structure the scientists and towns people are in) and the heat the bombs generate cook the things.

Alright, alright … now I have to tell you the title. But don’t throw rocks at me, ok??? Don’t kill the messenger! Should you be interested (eye roll), may I present to you … 1958’s The Crawling Eye:


23 thoughts on “Audre’s Worst Horror Movie

  1. Port – you’re a genius! You take a paper-thin review and turn it into something far greater and grander, lol. I will admit, with a blush, that reading it here made me laugh so that’s a good thing. Thank you, O Port, the Magnificent!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. I only read this because Audre is my bestest friend because I think I would rather eat my own leg than view the film described above even with her fine writing tempered as it so often is with self deprecating humour and its attempt at luring me in. I waste enough time as it is on YouTube watching the antics of adorable pets which includes a wonderfrul collection pf stray cats in Turkey and a rock singing parrot in Florida. Then there are the cooking videos …..

    Liked by 4 people

  3. Cheers Audre. 🙂

    I’ve never heard (until now) of this film and it seems highly likely that I won’t be clicking on the link to watch the full feature. It sounds a little corny – from your description – and lacking in the sort of things that should make it a horror. You want to be gripped, you want to be scared, you want to have characters who you feel and root for. From what you say, it doesn’t sound like there’s much of that here though I will read more into it. Classic horrors, like Carnival of Souls and Invasion of the Body Snatchers were thrilling, mysterious, creepy. I’ll stick to those.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Have just read the plot elsewhere and as anyone who knows me will agree, I hate genre mash ups. This film sounds like a cross of Creature from the Black Lagoon, The Fog and Invasion of the Body Snatchers, amongst others. I tend to find that if you want to do a really good film, find a premise and stick with it. When you wander off kilter, you’ll lose your audience very quickly.

    Liked by 4 people

    • I think there can be some good genre mash-ups, but so many films (like the one I reviewed Monday) try to throw in some element of EVERY genre. Some films get so bogged down in trying to figure out what kind of story they’re telling, there’s virtually no plot or consistency at all.

      Liked by 2 people

      • Don’t you ever just watch a nice film with a handsome hero and a beautiful woman set in times past preferably with a happy ending? I do. No vampires, zombies or ghouls just good dialogue, fabulous costumes and maybe a bit of swashbuckling, that’ll do for me.

        Liked by 3 people

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