Monday Morning Movie Review: The Drama (2026)

Well, yours portly is back at it today after a glorious Spring Break.  It was busy, but the kind of busy I like—getting stuff done around the house and knocking out various errands without the drain of doing them after working all day.  There’s still an immense amount of unpacking to do, but I can at least maneuver around my home office without sucking in my gut and performing pudgy pirouettes around boxes.

Writing, however, took a bit of a backseat to errands—and to Old World, the 4X strategy game that absorbed much of my waking hours in the waning days of break.  I stayed up until nearly 2:30 AM Friday night/Saturday morning playing the game, and was reminded why I don’t do that anymore, as I was dragging the rest of the weekend.  That said, I did finish my first campaign (still a tutorial, technically, but it was a complete playthrough without any gimmicks and with only minimal handholding from tutorial pop-ups), winning an “Ambition Victory” as Babylon.  Granted, the difficulty was a couple of notches below the standard settings, which probably explains why I was able to focus on churning out generation after generation of philosopher-kings in a mostly peaceful playthrough.  Still, I feel much more confident to tackle higher difficulties as I continue to learn the game.

Those self-indulgent updates out of the way, let’s get to the movie review!  At the beginning of break, Dr. Wife and I saw the new A24 flick The Drama (2026), starring Zendaya and Robert Pattinson.  I’d always thought that Zendaya was kind of a one-note actress, as her entire schtick was to gaze moodily into the camera with the same expression.  The Drama disabused me of that notion (to be fair, though, that is how she played every other character I’ve seen her portray).

The film is billed as a romantic comedy, which is a bit misleading.  The flick is comedic, but it’s black comedy.  Dr. Wife and I found ourselves failing to suppress guffaws at some of the truly deadpan, downbeat, dark humor of the flick, which always makes for a good time.

Indeed, there’s apparently some Internet outrage (the worst kind of outrage) over this perceived bait-and-switch, as people go in expecting a film about a cute couple getting married and instead get a movie about a dark revelation threatening that marriage.  Yes, that’s technically the plot of every romantic comedy—something unflattering comes out in the second act that precipitates in the male lead running to the airport before his girl flies off to The Big City—but it’s much darker and more psychological here—and realistic.  The film asks, “what would you do if you found out something about your fiancée that is (potentially) deeply troubling just five days before your wedding?”  It also asks us to consider which is worse:  doing something that is mildly or moderately bad, or thinking about doing something truly despicable but not carrying it only due to external factors.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Beastmaster (1982)

Yours portly is a sucker for old-school sword and sorcery stories:  loin-cloth-clad barbarians; pseudo-Sumerian cults; wicked witches; feisty damsels; ferrets.  1982’s The Beastmaster has them all (that’s an Amazon Affiliate link; I receive a portion of any purchases made through that link, at no additional cost to you).

This film was on cable all the time when I was a kid, although I think its heyday was passing by the early 1990s.  According to the film’s Wikipedia entry, HBO played it so frequently that people joked that “HBO” stood for “Hey, Beastmaster’s On.”  We didn’t have HBO (except for those free weekends they would do sometimes, and then we were forbidden from watching it), but the same entry notes that TBS played it enough to be called “The Beastmaster Station.”  That’s probably where I first saw the flick.

Regardless, the film made an impression.  Coming of age with He-Man action figures, I couldn’t help but equate He-Man with Dar, the titular Beastmaster himself.  They look and dress the same; both have a scantily-clad girlfriend; and both have a pet panther that aids them in battle.

More importantly, the essential elements of what I would come to recognize as “low” fantasy, pulpy sword-and-sorcery were all there.  The trope of a free and wild rustic using only his sword, his wits, and his animal companions against an entrenched and powerful wizard turns up frequently in low fantasy, notably in the classic Conan stories.  The early 1980s was awash in celluloid adaptations of these stories, which meant that late-1980s and early-1990s cable showed them frequently.

So, what of The Beastmaster itself?  It’s a great film, not for any deep artistic merit or innovative camera work, but because it’s fun while also creating a clear sense of dread (which is probably why it is currently on Shudder, where I watched it).

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Wuthering Heights (2026)

Dr. Wife and I went to see Emerald Fennell’s adaptation/reinterpretation of Wuthering Heights (2026) the other weekend after a long day of lugging our stuff to our new home.  The director’s name—which sounds like a extremely colorful spice—should give some insight into what the film was like.  I’ve never read Emily Brontë novel—yes, literature girls, you can sacrifice me to Emily Dickinson—but Dr. Wife had, so she filled me in some of the details.

The original novel is the bleak tale of a doomed romance denied by the strictures of propriety, social class, and cash.  The movie is an excessively plodding first act that culminates in twenty minutes of sexual depravity followed by a tragic death.

The film is gaining notoriety because it’s smut.  My wife kept calling it “Wuthering Glutes,” and we had fun making jokes involving the word “wuthering” and other anatomical features.  The popular consensus is correct:  it is basically an excuse for a swarthy heartthrob to assert his will over Margot Robbie while women swoon lustily.

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Memorable Monday Morning Movie Review: The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)

Dr. Wife and I went to see the smutty literary adaptation of Wuthering Heights (2026) this weekend, not because Dr. Wife is into that kind of thing, but because there’s been so much buzz around the film, she wanted to be part of the cultural moment.  I was going to review that film today, but that’ll have to go on the backburner due to time constraints.

The quick version:  like all modern movies, it’s thirty minutes too long; the script is flabby and ponderous; and the middle act is basically just chick lit p-word smut.  It setup several ideas that never had payoffs.  It did have amazing sets and costumes, and the sense of bleak tragedy from the novel (which, to be clear, I haven’t read) was, according to my wife, there, even if the film took great liberties with the source material.

But I digress.  A piano student of mine brought in a little Mario doll he’s had since he was a baby.  He asked me at the end of his lesson to film a quick movie review of the 2023 hit The Super Mario Bros. Movie; I obliged:

That being the case, I figured I’d reblog this review of the film from 2023.

With that, here 22 May 2023’s “Monday Morning Movie Review: The Super Mario Bros. Movie (2023)“:

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty Praises “24”

Just a heads-up:  this review contains a lot of Amazon Affiliate links.  I receive a portion of any purchases made through these links, at no additional cost to you. —TPP

Good ol’ Ponty sent over an unexpected treat:  this excellent review of the early 2000s hit television series 24—at least, it’s his review of the first three seasons, along with his initial impressions of the fourth.

I remember when this show debuted.  It was the perfect show for the War on Terror, back when that conflict still enjoyed some popular support among the American people.  It was quintessentially Bush-era American:  a brave lone warrior, coupled with a good counter-terrorism team, found the terrorists, while also resorting to (and often being the victim of) “enhanced interrogation techniques.”  It was a time when we wanted terrorists, both on-screen and in real life, to get roughed up indiscriminately, “human rights” be damned!

24 delivered.  I hadn’t thought of the show much since those halcyon—and, it turns out, dying—days of cable television until Ponty sent along this review.  So come bask with us in those pre-Great Recession days, when it seemed like maybe we could actually install functioning, Western-style democracies in the Middle East.

With that, here is Ponty’s review of the television series 24:

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Superbowl Halftime Show

After a long day in the parks we got back to our rooms last night and settled in for sub sandwiches and television.  I had forgotten that the Super Bowl was airing last night, but my older brother did not, and he had the game on in our room.  While I rested and unpacked, the game entered halftime, featuring the infamous Puerto Rican rapper Bad Bunny, began to unfold.

By the end of the show—or by the point I stopped watching to get dinner in the other rooms—I was convinced that we needed to grant Puerto Rico its independence (while probably maintaining some naval bases there or the like).  It was the least American halftime show I’ve ever seen.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Carrie (1976)

Last week I found time to watch a few flicks, among them 1976’s Carrie, the coming-of-telekinesis story of Carrie, who is bullied relentlessly both at school and home.  Her mother’s Pharisaical view of redemption (essentially, there is none) makes Carrie’s life sheltered; meanwhile, Carrie’s classmates bully her in part because of her mother’s insanity.

Family lore has made this film legendary.  According to legend, my parents went to see this film on their honeymoon in 1977.  I don’t know exactly when it occurred, but my dad—who was raised Pentecostal (Church of God – Cleveland, Tennessee) was so beside himself, he walked out.  My mom (raised Southern Baptist, and, therefore, a bit less bee-hived in her hairdos) was a fan of Stephen King—then an emerging author in many respects—and it apparently was a shock to her that my dad reacted as he did.

Having just seen the film, I can see why my dad got so uncomfortable.  It literally opens with a quasi-pornographic shot of Carrie showering herself after gym class—and then receiving a visit from Aunt Flo.  There’s also the iconic “prayer closet” with a Jesus sporting menacing, glowing eyes.  The anti-Christian messaging is pretty strong.

That said, the film is not, I would argue, primarily a screed against religion, although that is a part of it.  Carrie’s mom is a nut, but anyone with even a passing familiarity with Christ’s Teachings would realize that her religion is not Christianity.  It’s some kind of perversion of something resembling Christianity into a legalistic tangle of extreme ascetism coupled with brutality.

Instead, Carrie is very much a coming-of-age story, in which the sheltered Carrie attempts to spread her wings and become her own woman, but instead is met only with resistance at every time.  Having developed no healthy relationships—and faced only mockery and scorn from her mother, her schoolmates, and even the principal—she lashes out in the film’s fiery conclusion.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: 28 Days Later (2002)

The next film in the 28 [Unit of Time] series, 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple hits theaters this weekend, and yours portly is hoping that Dr. Wife and I can squeeze in a matinee showing this Saturday.  It also seems that Shudder has a couple of the earlier films on its service, including 28 Days Later (2002), which I stayed up late last night to finish watching.

I wasn’t sure I had seen this flick before, but several of the key scenes did click with me (like the father getting a single drop of infected blood in his eye, causing him to go made with the Rage virus).  I have seen it, but I’d forgotten most of the major plot points and the ending.  With the new film releasing this weekend, it was a good opportunity to refresh my memory (Shudder also has 28 Weeks Later [2007], which I watched recently as well).  I’d forgotten what a great film it is.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Gremlins (1984)

Over the glorious Christmas Break Dr. Wife and I sat down to watch one of my favorite childhood flicks, Gremlins (1984; that’s an Amazon Affiliate link to a Blu-Ray of the film, along with Gremlins 2 and The Goonies; I received a portion of any purchase made through that link, at no additional cost to you).  She had never seen it before, and as it is a Christmas movie (at least, it takes place at Christmas), I thought we should give it a watch.  I also knew that she would love Gizmo, the plucky Mogwai (she did).

I remember a similar scenario many years ago with my older brother’s first wife:  we all sat down and watched Gremlins, which she had never seen before, and it was a delightful experience.  Dr. Wife was feeling under-the-weather when we did our viewing together, but she thoroughly enjoyed it.  I did as well, even though I did not enjoy wrapping Christmas presents (poorly) while we watched—ha!

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Memorable Monday Morning Movie Review: Portly’s Top Ten Best Films: #3: The Thing (1982)

In late 2022 through early 2023, Ponty and I did an exhaustive rundown of our Top Ten Favorite Films.  His was very thoughtful and deliberate; mine was more or less picking through flicks I had in my DVD collection.

That said, I did put some thought into my Top Three, and this flick definitely deserves its slot.

Another note:  I know I’ve been recycling movie reviews a lot this month, so thanks for bearing with me.  Dr. Wife and I have been moving and taking care of all sorts of other tasks while we have some precious time off together, so the blog has—as it so often does—fallen onto the backburner.  She and I watched 1984’s Gremlins last week, however, so I’m looking forward to reviewing that soon.

But I digress.  With that, here is 30 January 2023’s “Monday Morning Movie Review: Portly’s Top Ten Best Films: #3: The Thing (1982)“:

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