Monday Morning Movie Review: Portly’s Top Ten Worst Films: Eaten Alive (1976)

Ponty and I have decided to run down our lists of Top Ten Worst Films, and this week it’s my turn to kick off my list.  The problem is that I often like bad films, so I don’t have a large list conjured up in my head, ready to go.

Nevertheless, I watch some real stinkers.  Most of the “bad” films I watch are simply boring—meandering, pointless, tripe.

This week’s selection, however, is not necessarily boring—there’s quite a bit going on in it—but is so ridiculous and poorly structured, I’m filing it under “bad.”

With that, here is my review of 1976’s Eaten Alive.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films: Dead Snow 2 (Død snø 2; 2014)

Good old Ponty is keeping the lights on at this blog with his submissions.  They are welcome at a particularly busy season for yours portly, and especially after traveling to Indiana this past weekend for my older brother’s wedding.

Ponty and I share a love of horror movies, but especially a love of bad movies generally.  I tend to be much more forgiving of bad movies, as many of them possess entertainment value in their own right (a premise so crazy the film is interesting, even if the parts don’t fit together; or a film that is “so-bad-it’s-good”).  I’m also just not that discerning—or, perhaps, I just like trash.

Whatever the case might be, Ponty doesn’t share my ecumenical approach to films.  He calls a spade a spade—and a pile of crap a pile of crap.

As such, he’s submitted the first of a list of ten films he regards as the worst films of all time.  I’m dubbing this gloriously long miniseries Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films.  The tentative plan is to post these alternating Mondays in lieu of the usual Monday Morning Movie Review from yours portly.  The non-Ponty weeks will be my list of the worst films of all time.l

I’ve kept all of Ponty’s colorful commentary intact; I’ve just added in years for the films, and italicized the titles.  I’ve also provided some useful hyperlinks for those looking to learn more about the subject of his ire.

With that, here is Ponty’s review of Dead Snow 2 (Død snø 2, 2014).  I don’t know if this is his tenth worst film or his first worst film; either way, he makes it sound pretty bad:

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Lazy Sunday CLVIII: Ponty’s Posts, Part II

This Lazy Sunday I’m wrapping up a two-Sunday retrospective of the works of Michael Fahey/39 Pontiac Dream/Always a Kid for Today, or “Ponty” for short.  After his early photographic submissions, Ponty branched out into the world of reviews.  This weekend, it’s my pleasure to feature three of them:

Happy Sunday!

—TPP

Other Lazy Sunday Installments:

Monday Morning Movie Review: Deep Water (2022)

Do you like psychological thrillers, Ana de Armas, and snails?  If so, you’ll love Deep Water (2022), the story of loveless couple Vic (Ben Affleck) and Melinda (de Armas) Van Allen.

The Van Allens live in an opulent Louisiana town, one that apparently is constantly hosting parties in a kind of never-ending Great Gatsby cycle of good times.  Vic designed the guidance chip in drones, and now lives in comfortable retirement with his insane wife and his precocious daughter, the latter of which sports the unfortunate name “Trixie.”

Melinda constantly and flagrantly carries on flirtations and affairs with younger men, often quite openly during the various high-life soirees the couple attends.  Vic begrudgingly allows his wife to carry on in this manner, even as his friends express concern.  His philosophy is to let his wife make her own decisions, a philosophy he also extends to his daughter (who opted to attend a—gasp!—public school, rather than a tony private one).

Of course, there’s only so much humiliation one man can take, and despite his Hosea-esque patience with his wife’s adulterous shenanigans, Vic finally—in his own, quiet way—snaps.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Runaway (1984)

I love the idea of robots being an everyday part of our lives.  And, yes, before some wag points out that everything we use is probably made in a factory consisting of robots, let me hasten to add that by “robots,” I mean something more along the lines of lovable Star Wars droids, or like a Roomba with more personality—like Rosie from The Jetsons.

As such, I tend to like movies about robots, although that’s a pretty slender subgenre.  One film in that subgenre that I enjoyed, though it was not a good movie, was 1984’s Runaway, starring a mustachioed Tom Selleck as a police officer charged with disabling malfunctioning robots.

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Monday Morning Movie Review, Guest Contributor Edition: The Purge (2013)

It’s always interesting to live during the times depicted in films, and to see how accurate the filmmakers’ predictions were.  There were no Mattel Hoverboards or self-lacing Nikes in 2015, per Back to the Future Part II (1989), but girls were wearing those puffy vests.  New York City isn’t a massive prison colony—at least, not as depicted in Escape from New York (1981).

And in 2022, crime runs rampant all the time, not just one night a year.  Even so, it’s still technically illegal to murder, steal, and pillage (unless you live in California), so 2013’s The Purge isn’t 100% accurate in that regard.

The Purge is one of those films that does what horror/science-fiction do best:  asks unsettling questions about human nature.  In an age where we like to believe violence is rare and brutishThe Purge argues otherwise:  that we need an outlet for our pent-up rage and frustrations, and it should be all let loose on one bloody night.

Would it work?  It’s too horrendous to contemplate—even if one night of mayhem would cure the ills of crime the other 364 days of the year, the cost would not be worth the benefit.  It would also be grossly immoral.

But it does offer an intriguing look into how society functions, and the things we do to protect ourselves.  The film also explores the nature of envy and greed.

Regular contributor Pontiac Dream 39—now Always a Kid for Today, or just “Mike”—offers up another excellent film review.  I’ve largely left it unedited, other than mild style changes, so enjoy his British spellings of words—and his trenchant insights into a disturbing film with a fascinating premise.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Eat Brains Love (2019)

There are a lot zombie movies.  There are quite a few zombie comedy movies.

Slicing that down further—like a machete slicing through the neck of an undead corpse—is the zombie romantic comedy subgenre.  Perhaps the best example of this extremely specific subgenre is 2013’s Warm Bodies, which I believe Helen Liptak recommended I review at some point (I probably should be reviewing that today instead!).  That is, indeed, an excellent, heartwarming (pun intended) film.

Instead, I’m reviewing 2019’s Eat Brains Love (also stylized as Eat, Brains, Love), a far inferior film that, despite some poor acting and writing, is not without its own shuffling charm.

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Monday Morning Movie Review, Guest Contributor Edition: Wimbledon (2004)

Regular reader and contributor Pontiac Dream 39—now going by the more cumbersome, but still endearing, “Always a Kid for Today”—surprised me last week with this excellent movie review submission.  It’s a review of the 2004 romantic comedy Wimbledon (2004), starring Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany.  As a Dunstophile, I very much appreciated this review.

It also saved me having to write a review of my own, so that’s always a plus, too.  One less post to fret over—woooooot!  I’ve left the substance of the review unchanged from what Ponty sent me, other than adding hyperlinks to the films he references, and italicizing their titles.

But enough of my rambling.  Here’s Ponty’s/AaKfT’s/Mike’s review of Wimbledon (2004):

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Monday Morning Movie Review: The Electrical Life of Louis Wain (2021)

In continuing with my movie reviews of requested films (see last week’s review of 1999’s Bicentennial Man, which I reviewed at the request of Audre Myers), I’m reviewing 2021’s The Electrical Life of Louis Wain at the request of my Aunt Marilyn.  She recommended the film, which stars Benedict Cumberbatch as the eccentric title character, enthusiastically.

I love Benedict Cumberbatch—one of my favorite current actors—and just about anything about eccentric creative types in Victorian England; needless to say, I loved this film, which details the quite tumultuous, tortured life and mind of Louis Wain, the man responsible for normalizing the keeping of cats as pets.

Viewing the film was a bit tricky at first.  As far as I can tell, it is only on the Amazon Prime Video service.  When I would pull up the movie on there, the only option I could see required an Amazon Prime membership, but my aunt assured me I’d be able to rent it (probably all I had to do was click on that subscription button and I’d be given the option to rent).

It occurred to me that I might still have access to Prime Video through my ex-girlfriend’s account on my Roku; sure enough, I was able to watch the movie—for free!—using those surreptitious means.

Logistical nonsense aside, I should probably review the film, rather than talk about how I had to access it.  All this blogging is going to my head.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Bicentennial Man (1999)

After many requests—from Audre Myers, not lots of different people—I am finally reviewing Bicentennial Man (1999), the film in which Robert Williams plays a robot, Andrew Martin, who wishes to become a human.  I picked up this flick on-demand on RedBox for about $4—a small price to pay to make Audre happy (and/or to appease her, depending upon one’s perspective).

When I announced I’d be reviewing this film last Monday, it engendered some controversy in the comments.  Regular reader and contributor Pontiac Dreamer 39 (now going by “Always a Kid for Today”) wrote:

Bicentennial man?! Crikey, Tyler, you’re going to need a lot of booze. I like Robin Williams but that film is dross. If you can get through to the end sober, I’ll be impressed. Personally, I’d have made Audre rewatch that film! 🙂 🙂 🙂

Audre predictably came to the film’s defense, citing its relevance in an age in which robots and artificial intelligence are growing increasingly sophisticated.  Ponty/AaKfT argued better films on the topic exist, such as Paul Verhoeven’s 1987 masterpiece RoboCop.

You can read the comment thread for yourself, but after viewing the film (stone cold sober), I am ready to render my judgment on Bicentennial Man.

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