Monday Morning Movie Review: Portly’s Top Ten Worst Films: #3: Captain Marvel (2019)

There used to be a time when superhero movies were fun, light-hearted fare for a hot summer’s afternoon.  With a bucket of popcorn and frosty air-conditioning, watching Iron Man quip one-liners while blowing stuff up was a good way to pass the time.

Marvel Studios really upped the ante with superhero flicks, ladling in humor, depth, pathos, rich characterization, interlocking storylines, and all the rest.  For ten years, they pretty much dominated cinemas, with few misfires.  Heck, even the bad Marvel films were merely mediocre or forgettable.  I’ve definitely forgotten a lot of the plot points since the first Iron Man flick came out in 2008 (good grief—has it been that long?!), but the films were largely humorous, action-packed thrill rides at the time.

Then everything started getting hyper-politicized.  Think back to 2008, and how different the world was then.  Yeah, sure, Barack Obama was elected President that year—perhaps an important turning point in the wider culture war—but at the time, that was at least billed as a some kind of magically unifying moment.  Sure, we conservatives didn’t buy it, and he ended up being everything we feared he would:  a race-baiting socialist with delusions of grandeur.  But overall, our culture wasn’t nearly as divided as it is now, and while Hollywood always put out some propaganda, it largely stuck to entertainment.

By the time Captain Marvel (2019) came out eleven years later, it felt like the entire world had been turned upside-down.  Suddenly, everyone was talking about how much “representation matters” and established superheroes and other characters were being gender-swapped willy-nilly.  Rather than, you know, creating compelling female (or [insert identity here]) characters, we were told Batman needed to be gay, trans, Asian, wheelchair-bound, and suffering from a protruding overbite.

It was into this milieu that Captain Marvel was born—and it suffered for it.

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Lazy Sunday CLV: More Movies, Part XX: Movie Reviews, Part XX

This weekend marks the 155th edition of Lazy Sunday and the twentieth of looking back at movie reviews.  What’s also fun is that the first and third reviews this weekend are both from the pen of Ponty, with whom I am currently trading reviews of the worst movies of all time.

That’s it for this Sunday’s Ponty sandwich.  Enjoy!

Happy Sunday!

—TPP

Other Lazy Sunday Installments:

My Latest Earworm: “Johnny Get Angry”

I love many kinds of music, but I’m primarily a rocker—I like swaggering, almost comically masculine hard rock.  I want to bang my head, shake my fists, and rock out to thundering power chords and hypnotic bass lines.  When I listen to rock, I feel like a panther taking flight on the wings of a phoenix.

But I also have a softness—a weakness, really—for late Fifties/early Sixties doo-wop and rock ‘n’ roll.  Sometimes—perhaps, embarrassingly often—that love extends to female torch singers (I promise, I’m an allegedly heterosexual man).

Lately, I’ve had the 1962 tune “Johnny Get Angry” stuck in my head—constantly.  Songwriters Hal David and Sherman Edwards wrote this bit of bubblegum pop for Joanie Sommers, and it was a modest hit for the songstress.

That 1962 version is pretty catchy, and the instrumentation is interesting—especially the kazoo chorus when the key changes from D major to E major—but the version that really got me into this song is from the 1990 film Nightbreed, specifically the Clive Barker-approved director’s cut.  Other versions of the film apparently were missing the song—performed by actress Anne Bobby in the role of heroine/love interest Lori Winston—which is a travesty, as it’s really key to highlighting the struggle inherent in Lori and Boone’s relationship in the flick.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films: #3: Titanic (1997)

We’re finally in the top three, and Ponty is in peak vitriolic form with this one.  I can’t imagine how badly his second and first picks will be burnt after seeing this thorough roasting.

I was in middle school when 1997’s Titanic released into theaters.  It was all the girls talked about for months, including how many times they went to go see this film (a tad disconcerting, considering these were twelve-year olds).  I never saw it, and have only seen snippets and chunks on television since then (to my knowledge, I’ve never watched the entire film, at least not in a single sitting).

This film was so huge—such a phenomenon—that I still remember my older brother proclaiming he would not go see it, just so he could say he hadn’t.  He wasn’t always the wisest seventeen-year old, but he apparently had some foresight about this one (he’s a tenured professor now).

I won’t say more.  Ponty rips into this film like that iceberg into the doomed ship.  I’m not sure which is more devastating:

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Lazy Sunday CLIV: More Movies, Part XIX: Movie Reviews, Part XIX

Ponty and I are getting down into our final three films for our respective Worst Movies lists, so it seemed like a good weekend to get back to looking back at some other movie reviews.  It wouldn’t surprise me at all if one the films here shows up on Ponty’s list; try to guess which one:

Three quite different films, but all films I’d recommend.  Which one did Ponty hate?  Take a guess in the comments below.

Happy Sunday!

—TPP

Other Lazy Sunday Installments:

SubscribeStar Saturday: John Carpenter

Today’s post is a SubscribeStar Saturday exclusive.  To read the full post, subscribe to my SubscribeStar page for $1 a month or more.

The good folks at Shudder made the very wise decision to upload a bunch of John Carpenter films within the past couple of weeks, including Escape from New York (1981), The Thing (1982), Prince of Darkness (1987), and They Live (1988), the last of which I reviewed way back in the day, before I was writing movie reviews regularly.  Naturally, that’s meant a John Carpenter film festival at the Casa de Portly.

I’m not sure I have a favorite director—like most people, I just know what movies I like, regardless of who directs them—but if I had to pick, it would probably be John Carpenter.  I haven’t come close to seeing all of his films, but I know I like the ones I’ve seen—a lot.  The Thing might just be the best horror film ever made.  Big Trouble in Little China (1986) might be my favorite movie ever.

As such, I’d like to take this edition of SubscribeStar Saturday to celebrate the music and films and John Carpenter.

To read the rest of this post, subscribe to my SubscribeStar page for $1 a month or more.

Monday Morning Movie Review: Portly’s Top Ten Worst Films: #4: The Wicker Man (2006)

Thanks go to Ponty, who mentioned in a comment—that I am not about to look up, ha!—this film.  You really helped me out with , but I’d like $3.23 for the RedBox rental, mate.  —TPP

This week’s flick is the second consecutive Nicolas Cage flick I’ve had to pan, which pains me:  Nicolas Cage is probably—and unironically—my favorite actor.  At his best, his loose cannon hamming can completely make a picture.  At his worst, he’s either too ridiculous—a caricature of his already cartoonish self—or too subdued, leaving the best arrow in his quiver unused.

In the case of this week’s film—The Wicker Man (2006), the abysmal remake of the 1973 classic—the poor presentation is, fortunately, not Cage’s fault exclusively.  He does deliver a rather lackluster performance, lacking either the over-the-top insanity of Vampire’s Kiss (1989) or the wordless panache of Willy’s Wonderland (2021), but it’s only occasionally bad.  Mostly, it’s just forgettable.

Perhaps it’s unfair to compare any remake to the original (with the exception of John Carpenter‘s The Thing, 1982), but remaking this film was a bad idea.  At least, the 2006 attempt is a very poor one indeed.

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Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films: #4: House on Cemetery Hill (2019)

You can tell we’re really getting into the dregs; Ponty’s review this week is devastating.

As he notes below, it’s no fun going after an indie flick with a low budget.  But there are plenty of low budget filmmakers that get it right, or at least grow as they hone their craft.  Every major director started out doing tiny films on a shoestring.

But sometimes there’s an effort so bad, even the lack of a budget isn’t a valid excuse.  Bad writing, bad acting, bad editing—these can kill a film faster than anything else.  All the quid in the world can’t save a film with this dark triad.

With that, here is Ponty’s review of 2019’s House on Cemetery Hill:

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Lazy Sunday CL: More Movies, Part XVIII: Movie Reviews, Part XVIII

It’s hard to believe that it’s the 150th edition of Lazy Sunday.  Honestly, it felt like I’d already hit that milestone, but here we are.

I don’t have anything special to mark the occasion, just some more choice movie reviews for your reading delectation.  These are the first reviews of 2022, from the cold, lonely months of January, when all I want to do is eat DiGiorno pizzas and watch crummy movies (but these are all quite good):

  • Monday Morning Movie Review: Boys from County Hell (2020)” – Boys from County Hell (2020) is a comedic vampire movie that takes place in rural Ireland.  It seems that international horror flicks are some of the best lately, as they aren’t quite as bound by the conventions of modern American horror, which just seems to be a bunch of jump scares and loud noises.  The premise is straightforward:  in the small, dying town of Six Mile Hill, there is a stone cairn in the middle of a farmer’s field.  The cairn is said to be the grave of Abhartach, an ancient Irish vampire who is said to have been the inspiration for Bram Stoker’s Dracula.  Turns out local legend is true, and the residents wrestle with an ancient vampire.
  • Monday Morning Movie Review: The Wicker Man (1973)” – 1973’s The Wicker Man, based on a 1967 novel by David Pinner called Ritual, is excellent—an absolute must for fans of folk horror.  The protagonist is also a devout Christian who dies proclaiming his faith.  Wow!
  • Monday Morning Movie Review: Nobody (2021)” – Nobody (2021) depicts Hutch Mansell (now one of my favorite movie protagonist names) going about his mundane daily routine, until two burglars break into his home.  It begins a sequence of revenge that reveals there’s more to Hutch Mansell than meets the eye.

These are all winners this week.  Watch them all if you can.

Happy Sunday!

—TPP

Other Lazy Sunday Installments:

Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films: #5: Jungle Cruise (2021)

We’re cruising right along into the second half of the long countdown of worst films.  The ball is back in Ponty’s court, and he’s picked a real doozy to mark the halfway point.

Is there anything wokery hasn’t poisoned with its foolishness?  Apparently, Ponty’s pick for , 2021’s Jungle Cruise, suggests not.  A movie based on a theme park ride worked before for Disney, but that was a bit of a fluke; taking an even more obscure ride, then adding in loads of anachronistic presentism, was hoping for too much, even for The Mouse.

One of our regular readers and commenters, Alys Williams, is always wanting me to review flicks with bonnets and Biedermeier, but even those films are jumping on the identity bandwagon.  I have no problem with black people in movies—I mean, who doesn’t love Blade (1998)?—but a black English queen is too much.  Why?  Because it’s not historically accurate!

Sure, historical fiction can embellish some details here and there, but we’re really straining suspension of disbelief when a Nigerian portrays a Viking.  Imagine casting Chris Hemsworth as an African Pygmy—he’d stick out like a sore giant.

But I digress.  On with Ponty’s hilarious review of 2021’s Jungle Cruise:

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