Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films: #5: Jungle Cruise (2021)

13 June 202210 June 2022 The Portly Politico3 Comments

We’re cruising right along into the second half of the long countdown of worst films. The ball is back in Ponty’s court, and he’s picked a real doozy to mark the halfway point.

Is there anything wokery hasn’t poisoned with its foolishness? Apparently, Ponty’s pick for #5, 2021’s Jungle Cruise, suggests not. A movie based on a theme park ride worked before for Disney, but that was a bit of a fluke; taking an even more obscure ride, then adding in loads of anachronistic presentism, was hoping for too much, even for The Mouse.

One of our regular readers and commenters, Alys Williams, is always wanting me to review flicks with bonnets and Biedermeier, but even those films are jumping on the identity bandwagon. I have no problem with black people in movies—I mean, who doesn’t love Blade (1998)?—but a black English queen is too much. Why? Because it’s not historically accurate!

Sure, historical fiction can embellish some details here and there, but we’re really straining suspension of disbelief when a Nigerian portrays a Viking. Imagine casting Chris Hemsworth as an African Pygmy—he’d stick out like a sore giant.

But I digress. On with Ponty’s hilarious review of 2021’s Jungle Cruise:

Audre’s Worst Horror Movie

8 June 20225 June 2022 The Portly Politico23 Comments

As Ponty and I have been rolling through our worst films, we encouraged Audre Myers to submit a review or two for the worst films. In true Audrean fashion, she slammed out this hilarious, insightful review in no time.

That put me in an extremely mild quandary—when to publish this gem? Ponty and I are about halfway through our back-and-forth countdown, but it’ll take us at least another eight weeks to finish the series. I thought briefly about holding off and publishing Audre’s pick for Worst Horror Movie as a surprise for loyal readers.

But how can I withhold Audre’s comedic genius for that long? More practically, I worried I might lose the e-mail thread—ha! So I decided to publish Audre’s post now. Think of it as a halfway point reward.

I won’t reveal the title of Audre’s pick yet. You’ll have to read on to see her choice (and, if you still want to after reading her review, to watch the film—she provides a link to the full thing on YouTube!):

Guest Contribution: Audre Myers’s Review of Stranger Things

1 June 202229 May 2022 The Portly Politico81 Comments

I can now proudly attest that the esteemed Audre Myers, perhaps the one figure at the epicenter of my personal blogosphere, has contributed her first piece to The Portly Politico. What a treat! Even the way that Audre contacted me about her contribution is quintessential Audre: she framed it as giving me a day off from the blog. Very sweet!

I’m happy to give a day—or weeks!—over to Audre’s writing. Her own blog, Words on the Word, is a lovely daily devotional; I recommend it highly.

Audre also shares my love of the spooky, the weird, the unexplained. One of the first ways I became acquainted with Audre’s interests were her posts about Bigfoot over at Nebraska Energy Observer. Here was someone writing with depth and seriousness—not conspiratorial goofiness—about Sasquatch!

That love of spooky weirdness is perfect for Audre’s contribution this week: her broad review of the series Stranger Things, one of my personal favorite series as well. The fourth season has just hit Netflix, so Audre offers up her take on the series as a whole—without giving away any of the fun plot points!

So, for the four of you out there that still haven’t seen Stranger Things, here’s Audre’s excellent review of and recommendation for the series:

Son of Sonnet: Passion

18 May 202212 May 2022 The Portly Politico2 Comments

While scribbling away on some blog posts last week, I had a pleasant surprise: a new poetry submission care of Son of Sonnet! It’s a work about the undeniable passion shared between men and women.

Regular readers know that I am an unalloyed fan of Son’s poetry, and I encourage each of my readers to consider a subscription to his Locals page. It’s the best way to support his work directly, and I know that appreciates every subscriber. Son is also very responsive to feedback and comments, so it makes for a lively community.

I’ve really been beating this drum lately—we need to support creators on our side of this great culture war. The Left creates crap culture, but they support it and produce a lot of it; what they lack in quality they make up for with financial support and total media saturation.

But I digress. Your generous subscriptions to my SubscribeStar page have made it possible to patronize Son’s work. As a community of artists, readers, and pundits, we should work together as much as possible to cultivate and support one another’s talents. I can’t pay Son much—yet—but I’m able to offer him something for his talents because of your generosity.

For a sample of Son’s work on this blog, check out The Gemini Sonnets; you can read all six here: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, and #6.

You can also read Son of Sonnet’s poetry on his Telegram channel, on Gab, on Minds, and, of course, on Locals.

Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films: #7: Hatchet (2006)

9 May 20222 May 2022 The Portly Politico7 Comments

The Ponty ‘n’ Portly Schlock-o-Rama rolls, on flipping back to Ponty’s countdown.

I can tell we’re really getting into the dregs already: Ponty’s review of 2006’s Hatchet makes it sound like the most predictable slasher film ever made, coupled with unsympathetic characters. The lead was apparently in Dodgeball (2004), but not Justin Long—the other nerdy guy. I read the review thinking it was Long, which was bad enough.

But enough of my yackin’. Let’s get on to Ponty’s review:

Monday Morning Movie Review: Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films: Dead Snow 2 (Død snø 2; 2014)

28 March 202222 March 2022 The Portly Politico12 Comments

Good old Ponty is keeping the lights on at this blog with his submissions. They are welcome at a particularly busy season for yours portly, and especially after traveling to Indiana this past weekend for my older brother’s wedding.

Ponty and I share a love of horror movies, but especially a love of bad movies generally. I tend to be much more forgiving of bad movies, as many of them possess entertainment value in their own right (a premise so crazy the film is interesting, even if the parts don’t fit together; or a film that is “so-bad-it’s-good”). I’m also just not that discerning—or, perhaps, I just like trash.

Whatever the case might be, Ponty doesn’t share my ecumenical approach to films. He calls a spade a spade—and a pile of crap a pile of crap.

As such, he’s submitted the first of a list of ten films he regards as the worst films of all time. I’m dubbing this gloriously long miniseries Ponty’s Top Ten Worst Films. The tentative plan is to post these alternating Mondays in lieu of the usual Monday Morning Movie Review from yours portly. The non-Ponty weeks will be my list of the worst films of all time.l

I’ve kept all of Ponty’s colorful commentary intact; I’ve just added in years for the films, and italicized the titles. I’ve also provided some useful hyperlinks for those looking to learn more about the subject of his ire.

With that, here is Ponty’s review of Dead Snow 2 (Død snø 2, 2014). I don’t know if this is his tenth worst film or his first worst film; either way, he makes it sound pretty bad:

Ponty’s Pics: Blakeney and the Morston Marshes

22 March 202220 March 2022 The Portly Politico22 Comments

It seems that flattery motivates contributors, at least 39 Pontiac Dream/Always a Kid for Today/Mike Fahey, who has sent along some lovely photographs of a recent trip he and his significant other took to Blakeney and the Morston Marshes, both places with distinctly British names.

I won’t offer much more by way of preamble, and instead have included the body of Ponty’s e-mail to me, which explains a bit more about the pictures in detail.

They remind me a great deal of the salt marshes around Beaufort, South Carolina, and the outlying barrier islands on the way to Fripp Island.

But enough from me. Here’s Ponty:

Monday Morning Movie Review, Guest Contributor Edition: The Purge (2013)

7 March 20222 March 2022 The Portly Politico34 Comments

It’s always interesting to live during the times depicted in films, and to see how accurate the filmmakers’ predictions were. There were no Mattel Hoverboards or self-lacing Nikes in 2015, per Back to the Future Part II (1989), but girls were wearing those puffy vests. New York City isn’t a massive prison colony—at least, not as depicted in Escape from New York (1981).

And in 2022, crime runs rampant all the time, not just one night a year. Even so, it’s still technically illegal to murder, steal, and pillage (unless you live in California), so 2013’s The Purge isn’t 100% accurate in that regard.

The Purge is one of those films that does what horror/science-fiction do best: asks unsettling questions about human nature. In an age where we like to believe violence is rare and brutish, The Purge argues otherwise: that we need an outlet for our pent-up rage and frustrations, and it should be all let loose on one bloody night.

Would it work? It’s too horrendous to contemplate—even if one night of mayhem would cure the ills of crime the other 364 days of the year, the cost would not be worth the benefit. It would also be grossly immoral.

But it does offer an intriguing look into how society functions, and the things we do to protect ourselves. The film also explores the nature of envy and greed.

Regular contributor Pontiac Dream 39—now Always a Kid for Today, or just “Mike”—offers up another excellent film review. I’ve largely left it unedited, other than mild style changes, so enjoy his British spellings of words—and his trenchant insights into a disturbing film with a fascinating premise.

Son of Sonnet: Reflection

2 March 20221 March 2022 The Portly Politico4 Comments

Son of Sonnet offered up a little Mardi Gras gift: this poem, “Reflection.”

It’s a bit of free verse, which is a bit unusual for Son, but I like it. He and I both (I think) are of the mind that structure enhances poetry, rather than limits it, so it’s fun seeing him experiment free verse. Even so, he has exactly ten syllables per line—that’s the Son I know!

Also, The Gemini Sonnets are complete; I recommend you read them if you haven’t already: #1, #2, #3, #4, #5, and #6.

Every artist as dedicated to his craft as Son deserves both recognition and support. I would encourage you to consider a subscription to Son of Sonnet’s SubscribeStar page as a way to encourage the growth and development of an eloquent voice on our side of this long culture war. Conservatives often complain about not holding any ground culturally; now is the time to support the culture that is being created.

You can read Son of Sonnet’s poetry on his Telegram channel, on Gab, and on Minds.

Monday Morning Movie Review, Guest Contributor Edition: Wimbledon (2004)

21 February 202216 February 2022 The Portly Politico25 Comments

Regular reader and contributor Pontiac Dream 39—now going by the more cumbersome, but still endearing, “Always a Kid for Today”—surprised me last week with this excellent movie review submission. It’s a review of the 2004 romantic comedy Wimbledon (2004), starring Kirsten Dunst and Paul Bettany. As a Dunstophile, I very much appreciated this review.

It also saved me having to write a review of my own, so that’s always a plus, too. One less post to fret over—woooooot! I’ve left the substance of the review unchanged from what Ponty sent me, other than adding hyperlinks to the films he references, and italicizing their titles.

But enough of my rambling. Here’s Ponty’s/AaKfT’s/Mike’s review of Wimbledon (2004):

The Portly Politico

One Southerner's unique, erudite, conservative perspective in a hectic world

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