I’ve been clamoring for some beefy Bigfoot footage c/o our very own Audre Myers, and she’s satiated my cravings for all things cryptozoological—for now. If ever there were a better creature to represent manly, protein-rich snack foods, it would be Bigfoot—the perfect, hairy spokescritter for beef jerky.
Perhaps our insatiable lust for marketing is one reason why the great ape-man has been so aloof. Why reveal yourself to the modern world, a world in which everything, including one’s own identity, is a commodity to be bought, sold, traded, collateralized, and mortgaged? Better to pee naked and free in the forest than to put on a tie and punch in at eight o’clock for a shift in the cubiclized salt mines.
I imagine Bigfoot would be put to use doing more blue-collar work—lifting heavy objects, for example. But perhaps Bigfoot is smarter than we realize, if he’s managed to conceal himself from us for so long.
The other, obvious alternative—that he does not exist—is one I’d rather not entertain. Although dear Audre alleges that I like “to gently tease… and poke” her because of her “98% belief in bigfoot,” my interest in the topic—and my interest in her interest in the topic—is entirely sincere. Audre is a fascinating individual; her nearly-complete belief in Bigfoot is one of the qualities I find to be the most interesting about her!
But I digress. Audre’s shared up some tantalizing Bigfoot footage, straight outta Idaho. Read on:
I think our dear friend Portly likes to gently tease me and poke at me because of my 98% belief in bigfoot. That’s ok; he’s always a gentleman and my own family smiles at me like I’m sort of deficient; they pat me on the head and nod in that ‘knowing’ way. I’m laughing as I’m typing this because I don’t really care. Some day, folks are going to have to apologize to me.
I wasn’t looking for a bigfoot video when I found this. As a matter fact, I had about given up on my very big friend as there have been virtually no sightings since lockdown was finally lifted in every State, last year sometime. I had begun to wonder if my very large friend was a nomad and not bound by territoriality. The dearth of videos was distressing but life moves on and politics in this country worsen and so … I was shocked when I noticed the thumbnail to the video below.
You need to know a little something about this particular video before you view it. Most YouTube channels that show bigfoot video will show the capture of the creature by whomever had his cell phone ready, play the recorded image in motion, and then ‘enhance’ the footage to give a better view of the creature. Be advised: enhancements, unless done by folks who really know what they’re doing, are terrible. Enhancements makes it more difficult to analyze what you’re seeing. This video that I ask you to watch is set up so that the enhancements come first but if you stick with it, at time stamp 7:19, there is some information about how NVTV got the video. After that screen, you will see the actual video as it was recorded in the woods in Idaho. I would recommend advancing the video to the time stamp, watching the actual footage, and then go back to the beginning of the video and see if the enhancements help you to spot things you may have missed while watching the actual footage.
This is what I’d like you to notice:
1. There’s no practical way to judge the height of the creature and so that’s not criteria we want to focus on.
2. Notice the girth of the creature. The thickness of its legs, arms, and the incredible span of its back.
3. This is not a fat man in a monkey suit or furry suit or anything of the sort – look at the stomach area of the creature; that is the form of an athlete, not some fat guy.
4. Notice how high the weight – free leg is bent; humans don’t walk like that but bigfoot do because a. they have big feet and b. they have a mid-foot break (hinge of some sort) so the leg gets lifted higher to avoid tripping.
5. I’ve seen hundreds of hoax bigfoot vidoes – none of them have ever shown the cleavage between the creature’s buttocks. That area can be seen in the footage.
6. Notice the calf muscles in the creature’s lower legs – for most humans, the calf is roughly in the middle of the lower leg. It’s obviously different in this creature.
7. Notice the stride of the creature; looks like a long stride (to me, anyway)
8. Notice the hair or fur on the creature; it’s not all one length, it’s not all one color, it’s thicker in some areas and thinner in other areas. Monkey suits with that kind of detail would be extraordinarily expensive.
Here, finally, is the video. For nervous folks, it’s not at all scary – but fascinating; for unbelievers, all I can say is keep an open mind when viewing something the likes of which you’ve never seen before; for believers, I suggest that this video is at least equal to the Patterson-Gimlin ‘Patty’, if not a trifle better.
The Portly Politico 
Brilliant, Audre. 🙂
When we come to the US, I’m going to dress up as Bigfoot and sit down to dinner with you and Lon. You’ll have to excuse my table manners though. Bigfoot doesn’t get to refine his table etiquette in the woods so there’ll be plenty of scratching and pouring of food directly off plate into mouth. Tina will tell you that’s how I usually operate at the dinner table so no change! 🙂
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HA! I’ll have to make it down to Florida for that dinner. Maybe I can dress up as the Yeti, the Bigfoot’s Asian cousin.
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The only problem with turning up at Audre’s dressed as one of the furry brethren is Audre has guns and she likes to shoot critters! 🙂 🙂 🙂
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HA! You’d be served up that night as roadkill stew!
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Come as a Yowee (Australian name for same creature) – much cooler name!
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Oooh, will do. The fact that it’s Australian makes it even better!
Speaking of Australia, it’s a shame to see such a rugged, manly country turn into an open prison camp full of tattle-tales and squeamish do-gooders. What happened to the likes of Crocodile Dundee or Steve Erwin (Irwin?)?
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The same thing that has happened in America, the UK, elsewhere.
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Yes, sadly. But Australia was the chaddiest of chad countries (even more so than Chad!), and now it’s a simpering cesspool of sissies.
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Port – why are your intros better than my articles? Just askin’ …
I watched the video again, just now. It has the same effect on me every time I watch it. Another thing to note as you watch the video – the creature walks with its hands cuffed, the same as we do, but if the fingers were straightened, they would reach beyond the middle of its thigh. Humans don’t have arm/hands that long; in my younger years, I was 5″11″ tall, I have long legs and long arms but at my full height, even with fingers straightened, my hand breaks just a little past my hips. Look at the creature again and note the arms and hands. There is no way that’s a human in a suit.
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I have to confess, I’m particularly proud of this introduction. I had a great deal of fun with it.
Your arguments are compelling, Audre. Also, I didn’t realize you were so tall! I’ve always liked tall women.
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Audre is the same height as Tina. Or was. Tina’s pretty tall and she loves that I’m taller – she’s 5’10, I’m 6’2.
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Ooooh, baby—I love a tall, leggy babe. Your height is impressive, too, mate. I’m a mere 6′ (and maybe a half-inch).
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Laughing – Lon is a leg man; to this day, dresses and skirts float his boat, lol!
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Lon and I are alike in that regard. Kudos to him for his good taste!
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39 – Tina will tell you – we very much prefer to ‘kiss up’ (to reach a taller man), than to kiss down. It’s a ‘tall woman thing’.
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Yes. I’m glad I’m a tall man. My dad is shorter than my mom, though it hasn’t seemed to hurt anything with them. Still, it’s nice being the Bigfoot in a relationship. ; D
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Then you can lift one foot and make it look like they do in the movies! 🙂
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Haha, yes. My first girlfriend was an Amazonian at 5’10” or 5’11” (gams that went on for miles, as they say). She was not fat, but she was built large, and she loved it when I would toss her around and such. She said it made her feel feminine in a way she usually did not feel because of how tall she was.
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39 – your ‘shooting critters’ made me laugh but I’d like to share something from a bigfoot video I watched: two men, mid to late 20s, were relating a bigfoot story to an interviewer. They were in the woods hunting for whatever game was legal at that time and place. They described coming across the bigfoot but thought it was something else (due to shrubs and trees and the stuff you encounter in the woods) and followed it so they could get a better shot. They got very close to the creature. The interviewer asked why they didn’t shoot it. They both got kind of quiet and the one said, “It turned it’s head and it looked like us.” Makes my chin quiver.
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Good story but that wouldn’t bother some people. There are too many psychopaths in the world.
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The thing was, they were all young testosterone and laughing and carrying on in the beginning of the interview but as they unfolded the story, they sort of settled down and when the one said, “It looked like us” – all that other stuff fell away. It really was something to see.
As for psychopaths … I find it remarkable that to date, never has one been shot. Now, you’re justified to say, “Well Audre! They simply don’t exist!” but I think something happens to the person who sees it. That it is an upright, bipedal creature of ‘unnatural’ size, fear sets in before thoughts of shooting. Most videos end abruptly because the person seeing it runs with the wind AWAY from it.
Just real quick, and this is really funny, a video of a guy who hunts for different kinds of mushrooms … he finds a fallen tree and it has plate-like fungi growing out from it and one of the plates has a clear impression of a mouth having taken a bite out of the fungi. While he’s filming, in the background you hear this clearly not human, not indigenous animal cry. The guy filming says, “Time to go!” Lol – he knew what he was hearing and it was way too close, lol! That was the end of the video, lol.
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There is something humbling about seeing a creature that looks like us. I imagine the rarity of sightings also accounts for the lack of Bigfoot shootings, but I imagine fear—especially fear of seeing something that isn’t supposed to exist—is a good explanation, too.
Ha! Our would-be mycologist had a run in with The Big Guy. I’d hightail it out of there, too!
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Oh, yeah. Imagine Bigfoot in Chicago.
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I don’t think I could bring myself to shoot Bigfoot, either, even if it would be the ultimate prize. I imagine he tastes pretty gamy, anyway.
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Port – I actually laughed out loud; he was so understated when he said, Time to go. LOL! Made me think of ‘feet make tracks!”
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Hahaha, I’ll have to find that clip.
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Here ya go … https://www.youtube.com/shorts/wnbia7iD0r8
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Ay caramba! That was chilling.
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Yup!
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By the way, I have really been trying to spread this post far and wide. It’s good, Audre—reeeeeal good.
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Wow, Port! I’m truly humbled. Thank you.
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Hey, thank YOU for writing it! It’s the most interesting thing to hit the blog in awhile (and that’s even with Ponty’s excellent movie reviews!).
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