On my post about my new song “1001 Arabian Nights,” regular reader, contributor, commenter, and controversialist 39 Pontiac Dream/Always a Kid for Today—or “Ponty” around here—commented that he could not understand the appeal of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich.  He even expressed disgust that such a sandwich exists.

It seems that the British Empire really has collapsed.  But what can you expect from the English, the people whose greatest culinary triumph is boiled beef?  No wonder they conquered the world—they needed to find better cuisine!  Chewing on boiled shoe leather would motivate anyone to go out and subjugate a foreign land.

Having thrown the gauntlet, I threw my own, and challenged Audre Myers to write a pro-PB&J piece, and for Ponty to write one against.  Ponty demurred—how very French of you, m’boy!—stating that he’d never eaten one, so he couldn’t comment.  Sounds like a cowardly excuse to me!

All joking aside, Audre rose to the occasion, but instead of submitting a wild-eyed, pro-PB&J polemic, she wrote a stirring, poetic ode to America’s Lunch.

With that, here is Audre Myers’s “Ode to the PB&J”:

Ode to the PB&J
By Audre Myers

How do I love thee; let me count the ways.
Rye, never white, bagels or wheat –
Whatever the carrier, your flavor is sweet.

When I was little, you’d squish in my hand.
As I got older, I had a bigger demand.
And toasted, hot and crunchy, was what was planned.

Straight from the jar on room temp bread;
But this is the vision that played in my head:
All drippy and smeary and slippery, I said.

Folded up small, I wiped the plate gladly –
When it was gone, I saw the plate sadly.
‘Nother sammich was, of course, wanted badly.

Now I’m grown and I have different tastes –
Like straight from the jar so nothing wastes
Heavenly how to my roof it pastes.

Dunk in some celery – apple slice, too.
Mixed with some raisins will make you mew.
PB&J – you make the sky blue!