On my post about my new song “1001 Arabian Nights,” regular reader, contributor, commenter, and controversialist 39 Pontiac Dream/Always a Kid for Today—or “Ponty” around here—commented that he could not understand the appeal of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He even expressed disgust that such a sandwich exists.
It seems that the British Empire really has collapsed. But what can you expect from the English, the people whose greatest culinary triumph is boiled beef? No wonder they conquered the world—they needed to find better cuisine! Chewing on boiled shoe leather would motivate anyone to go out and subjugate a foreign land.
Having thrown the gauntlet, I threw my own, and challenged Audre Myers to write a pro-PB&J piece, and for Ponty to write one against. Ponty demurred—how very French of you, m’boy!—stating that he’d never eaten one, so he couldn’t comment. Sounds like a cowardly excuse to me!
All joking aside, Audre rose to the occasion, but instead of submitting a wild-eyed, pro-PB&J polemic, she wrote a stirring, poetic ode to America’s Lunch.
With that, here is Audre Myers’s “Ode to the PB&J”:
Ode to the PB&J
By Audre Myers
How do I love thee; let me count the ways.
Rye, never white, bagels or wheat –
Whatever the carrier, your flavor is sweet.
When I was little, you’d squish in my hand.
As I got older, I had a bigger demand.
And toasted, hot and crunchy, was what was planned.
Straight from the jar on room temp bread;
But this is the vision that played in my head:
All drippy and smeary and slippery, I said.
Folded up small, I wiped the plate gladly –
When it was gone, I saw the plate sadly.
‘Nother sammich was, of course, wanted badly.
Now I’m grown and I have different tastes –
Like straight from the jar so nothing wastes
Heavenly how to my roof it pastes.
Dunk in some celery – apple slice, too.
Mixed with some raisins will make you mew.
PB&J – you make the sky blue!
The Portly Politico 
Audre, how you make us smile. A lovely way to start the morning – the poem, I mean. I wouldn’t touch PB&J if I was emaciated with starvation! 🙂
As for you, Tyler – fighting talk! I’ve put this up on TCW and I’m sure if they don’t comment here, there’ll be a few over there with responses! 🙂
I should add that Britain has produced the full English, bangers/pie and mash and the great Sunday roast. To the best of my knowledge, I can’t think of a single dish that originated in America. Burgers from Germany, fries from Belgium. Wasn’t Jambalaya creole?
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Can we discuss ‘mushy peas’? That takes some explaining, my friend. When my son was about three yrs. old, I’d put a few peas on his plate at lunch. He mashed one with his chubby little finger and when the inside came out, he sat there gagging, lol! It still makes me laugh out loud.
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Mushy peas, traditionally served with fish and chips from the chip shop. Tina loves them, as did I when I was younger, but I’m not a fan now.
If you want some explaining, have a look for black peas, which are traditionally served on Bonfire Night; horrible, rock hard nuggets, burned to a crisp and covered in vinegar. I just don’t get it. 🙂
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Isn’t the “full English” just a really big breakfast? We do that in America, too, but better—and no goose blood pate!
Bangers and mash? Our mashed potatoes are better, I’m sure—filled with butte and sour cream and flavor.
Sunday roast? Again, isn’t that just the boiled beef to which I was referring in my introduction?
Sure, sure—everyone hates on America because we’re a pioneer culture with lots of international roots. But we took all of those crummy foods and made them better. Burgers are an art form here. We probably figured out how to make fries tastier. Jambalaya wouldn’t exist without America—the home of the Creoles!
Chinese food, Mexican food, Thai food, even English food—all improved thanks to the ingenuity of American chefs and cooks, strewn across a million households and a million family dinners.
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Tina also asked me to remind y’all that there’d be no such thing as PB&J if it had not been for the Earl of Sandwich!
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Hear! Hear!
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Laughing out loud. That’s the last time I’m responding to a Portly request!!! LOL!
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I hope not. I love your ode! More please! 🙂 🙂
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As a certain friend would say … “Crikey”!
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A question for you, Port, from TCW’s Linuslimmy:
‘Would you ask PP if it’s true that most Americans don’t butter their bread when making a sandwich? I only read that once so don’t know if it’s hype.’
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In our grandparents’ generation, they spread butter on the bread of a sandwich but Americans don’t do that anymore.
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I remember reading, in Bill Bryson’s excellent Notes from a Big Country, many years ago that Americans avoid calories like the plague. I doubt it’s like that in the country but I’d believe it of the cities. Your middle class types anywhere are very predictable when it comes to health kicks.
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I only butter bread on a sandwich if its grilled cheese or the like. Mayonnaise largely takes the place of butter as the spread that holds the sandwich together.
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Quick question, mate.
The other day, something popped up on WordPress/Gravatar that could eliminate notifications. Unfortunately for me, I clicked on the wrong options so now notifications pop up in my email for everything to do with this site, regardless of whether I’ve posted or commented or who is answering me. I really do not like the clutter so if you can help, that would be great. 🙂
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Hi Ponty,
That happened to me with another website. Unfortunately, you have to fix it on your end. There should be an option in WordPress Reader to manage your subscriptions. I’d recommend searching online for a video; that will probably show you how to do it.
Best of luck!
–Tyler
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She was a poet, and I didn’t know it.
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