Dario Argento is one of my favorite giallo directors.  The man’s name is synonymous with Italian horror, and he is probably the best known giallo director of all time, at least here in the States.

So when I saw he directed a film based on Dracula, I got excited.  I figured it would be a masterpiece of giallo styling against the classic story.

Instead, Dario Argento’s Dracula (also known as Dracula 3D; 2012) is a hideous abuse of CGI—and, I suspect, of Argento’s name to sell some tickets to a crappy movie.

Plot-wise, the film is just Dracula.  There’s nothing new or innovating in terms of the story.  Of course, there are thousands of tiny permutations of the original Bram Stoker novel set to film, and even a horror nerd like me has trouble keeping all of them sorted.  I only know the general gist of Dracula, given that I’ve seen so many versions of it.  I supposed I could check them against the novel, but who has time to read anymore (besides you, dear readers)?

But I digress.  About the only thing remotely interesting is a scene in which Dracula turns into a giant grasshopper or praying mantis to impale a dude.

The CGI is awful.  Normally I would not fault a filmmaker for bad effects if the story is good, but the CGI here seems to be a symptom of the general awfulness of this film.  We’re taking SyFy Original Movie bad.  I tried to find some examples for this review, but they appear to have been scrubbed from the Internet (in all reality, it’s likely just my substandard research skills, which are still better than this flick’s digital effects).

I wish I had more to say.  Indeed, I picked this movie to review this week because I’m short on time and don’t have a lot to say.  At least with Donnie Darko (2001) there was substance to dissect (and that movie had better digital effects, and it was released eleven years earlier by a relatively new director, not a master of giallo styling); Dracula 3D is not nearly so accommodating.

The hope going into this flick is that it would be like a classic Hammer adaptation, but with Argento’s signature visual style.  Instead, it’s the equivalent of going to eat your mom’s signature macaroni and cheese and getting box mac from Yugoslavia.

Put a stake through the heart of this one.