Lately yours portly has been losing weight (I’m down about thirty-one pounds since July 2025), so I’ll often search for calorie counts for unusual food items to make sure I’m not going to blow my entire caloric budget for the day with one ill-considered snack. That has sent me down some gut-bustingly hilarious rabbit holes, where I will ask Google’s Gemini AI insane questions like, “how many calories would be in a four-pound baked potato, into which I cut canals and holes to increase fat absorption, and which I soaked overnight in pure goose fat; then, I bore holes into either end and insert luscious Italian sausage in the middle of the potato, after which I wrap it in thick-cut bacon and deep-fry it in beef tallow?”
The AI then usually scolds me for how unhealthy consuming such a sumptuous, greasy feast would be, at which point I try to double-down on the absudity.
Clearly, yours portly has an odd (and probably unhealthy, given my medical history) relationship with food. That strange obsession has manifested itself on my YouTube page.
Don’t worry, dear readers: I’m not a “lolcow,” consuming vast quantities of food for the sick and twisted pleasure of a hate-watching audience. I just like to do what every mother warns against: I play with my food.
Today’s videos are examples of that tendency to elevate food into absurdist humor:
Bachelor Chow 101: Trader Joe’s Tinned Mussels
Tinned seafood is all the rage these days. I hope on the bandwagon with these Trader Joe’s Lightly Smoked Mussels in Extra Virgin Olive Oil. Delicious!
The Attack of Eggcraticus
Legendary monster Eggcraticus is out for eggs.
Marveling at Massive, Misshapen Potatoes
Big, odd potatoes from Sam’s Club.
What strange culinary adventures should I embark upon next, dear readers?
Happy Friday—and Bon Appetit!
—TPP
The Portly Politico 
Dieting for you should be a doddle. You don’t drink which saves on calories but not on boredom. You work like a 24/7 racehorse and while you’re keeping busy, you don’t have to worry about food. It sounds like you have plenty of spaces for walking near you. Thirty odd pounds is pretty good. Keeping it low should be relatively easy for you.
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Thanks, mate! The problem is that I often stress-eat; that’s a struggle for me. Lately, there have been a bit more of that, but I’ve stayed consistent at this weight.
For the next two weeks, though, I’m not too worried about it; between the wedding and the honeymoon, I imagine I’ll put on about five pounds. Then it’ll be back to the straight and narrow!
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If American weddings are like British weddings, you’ve got no stress related problems there – all you need to do is show up and say I do! 😂
Anyway, Tina and I have another trip to the hospital today in not very good conditions with the promise of full beam A-holes to contend with. Lovely. 😠
Later dude.
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Oh, yeah, it will be a piece of cake. What I’m driving at is that I’ll be eating quite a bit just because the food will be so dang good!
Sorry you have to head to the hospital, mate. A-holes are annoying, full beam or otherwise. Godspeed today!
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