This past weekend I had to move a bunch of furniture from my future in-laws’ home to my little house.  They are downsizing to a smaller home, and have been donating, selling, and/or rehoming nearly twenty years’ worth of accumulation to whoever will take it.  That means a great deal of their goods have made their way to Dr. Fiancée and me.

The move itself was not terrible, although we had the brutal task of moving an elliptical machine from their second-story rec room to their first-floor garage.  I recruited two former Music students of mine (quipping, “you didn’t know when you signed up for Music in the seventh grade that it was a lifelong commitment”; one of them rejoined, “I should have signed up for Drama”) to assist in the hurly-burly, and we got it all done.  We’re in the midst of a severe heatwave here in the South, so all three of us guzzled down water.  One of my guys got a bit lightheaded from the heat and exertion, but still managed to assist admirably.

In the process, we moved a recliner, couch, nightstand, dresser, and queen-sized bed (with mattress, boxspring, frame, and headboard) into my little house.  I also received a Husqvarna riding lawnmower—quite a gift!

The idea is that I will live like a hoarder for the next nine months or so until Dr. Fiancée and I purchase a home together—one that will, hopefully, accommodate all of this furniture (it will).

But moving all of this nice furniture (thanks, Dr. Fiancée’s mom and dad!) meant getting a truck and trailer large enough to pull it off.  That meant making a reservation with—groan—U-Haul.

Let me be clear—I like U-Haul.  Kind of.  Their trucks are easy to drive and easy to load.  Renting one, though, is always a baffling ordeal.  Yes, in our Internet age, making the reservation is a snap.  Getting the truck is another matter entirely.

I’ve never had a normal U-Haul experience, which I suppose suggests that I’ve always had a normal U-Haul experience, as the norm seems to be a lack of staffing and a general inability to communicate and/or engage with customers clearly.  Also, I’ve never rented from U-Haul without there being some snag, however small; I’ve never just gone in, been handed the keys to the truck I rented, and been sent on my merry way.

For example, I was moving an ex-girlfriend some years ago.  She made a reservation for a U-Haul at a third-party U-Haul renter, some used car lot in a sketchy side of town.  We arrived at the appointed time and the car lot was closed.  A massive thunderstorm was rolling in and she was beginning to panic—we needed that truck!—and I swung into action.  I quickly found a nearby, official U-Haul franchise, made a reservation, and obtained the appropriate truck.  In that instance, U-Haul came through, after one of its shiftless affiliates failed.

Another, better story:  when I first moved to this part of South Carolina way back in 2008 (the first time I lived up this way; I returned in 2011), I returned the rental truck to a location that turned out to be a dirt-floor shack.  The gentleman that ran this dubious establishment had a computer so ancient, it still had green text on a black screen (not so uncommon in 2008, but still outside of the norm).  This being the pre-smartphone era (or before I had a smartphone), there was no way to look up information easily; you just had to pick a location when you were on a computer and hope for the best.

I remember how there literally was no floor; I stepped over the lip of the door and back down onto dirt.  There was a single lightbulb suspended from the ceiling.  I thought that, surely, this guy was going to interrogate and torture someone—possibly me—in the very near future.

I can’t remember the guy as well, but he was rough—scratchy beard, leathery skin.  He was probably missing an eye and several teeth, for all I know.  I was just ready to get out of there.

Living in the South and having helped both of my brothers move and having moved myself multiple times, you get used to going to these weird little bait shops and mom and pop stores to pickup U-Haul trucks, some of which look like they haven’t been driven since the Eisenhower Administration (U-Haul has been around since 1945).  I’ve seen my older brother have to jury-rig a gas cap on one of these suckers just so he could put gas in the truck.  I’ve witnessed confused storeowners who thought renting U-Haul trucks would be an easy way to get extra cash fumble around on computers at the speed of Snorlax.

I’ve seen it all!

But I digress.  U-Haul contacted me for a review on Sunday.  I gave them four of five stars and wrote the following:

Almost every U-Haul experience I’ve ever had has been a baffling ordeal.  It’s like U-Haul somehow managed to take the experience of a soulless government bureaucracy and ported that to the customer service experience at their locations.

This U-Haul location largely—but not entirely—avoided that fate.  The truck and trailer were great; I received a call the night before from an employee who said he’d have the trailer hitched to the truck and ready for my pickup the next day.  He even recommended a different trailer that better accommodated my needs.

At that point I was blown away.  Could this experience be real?  Was U-Haul actually being.. helpful?  The return process was also super easy, and I even got—gasp!—money back!

But it wouldn’t be a trip to U-Haul without some kind of absurd test of how patient one man can be before he finally gets the keys.

I entered the location and immediately saw what I dreaded–one customer waiting in line, with an employee on the phone (she was sorting out the gentleman’s rental).  Naturally, I had no idea what was going on or when–if ever–I’d be greeted.  I was trapped in a Stygian horror as the customer and his kids stood there awkwardly awaiting news about their rental.  After about five minutes, another employee came in and helped me with my rental–thank goodness!

She put me in one truck… then could not find the keys.  What ensued was a back-and-forth between her and the other employee about where the key was, where it could be, etc., etc.  Instead of just finding the key, they wordlessly keyed in another rental, without communicating with me, the customer, what was going on.

Meanwhile, a man had wandered in from another U-Haul location and was seeking assistance.  He wanted to rent the smallest truck available; one of the ladies informed him that the only trucks left were the biggest ones.  The man said he wanted the smallest one.  Instead of reiterating to the man that the smallest ones were all reserved, the girl just said, “This is the big one.”  I know retail is a pain, but are all people–customers and staff–incapable of coherent communication?

But I digress.  Instead of my awesome truck with an almost full tank of gas already hooked up (allegedly) to the trailer, I got a truck with fifty miles to empty.  Fortunately, the dude outside was super helpful and got the trailer hooked up super quickly, and after about twenty minutes at U-Haul, I was on my way.

You might think, “this review sounds kind of negative.”  Look, for U-Haul, this experience was STELLAR.  I’m accustomed to arriving at a U-Haul and the employees eyeing me wearily while they punch stuff into a computer while acknowledging me as little as possible.  The staff was legitimately friendly, but the last thing I want when I’m picking up a truck and about to move hundreds of pounds of furniture is for the two women at the counter to run around trying to locate the keys to a $30,000 moving truck.  Fortunately, my faith was restored and, after that, it was an incredibly smooth experience.

So, to end on a positive note:  this location is the best U-Haul location I’ve ever visited.  Some organization would be great, and making it easier (and even quicker) to pick up a rental would be awesome.  But for U-Haul, well done.

I think what irked me about the two ladies going back and forth about the missing key is just how unprofessional it was.  It’s not a good look.  Yes, mistakes happen.  Not everyone is going to do everything perfectly all of the time—of course!  I accept that.  But how hard is it to keep track of someone’s reservation?  How hard is it to greet a customer, or at least say, “I’ll be right with you, sir?”

When I walked in and saw that lady on the phone, my heart sank into the pit of my stomach.  I knew it would either be a few minutes or half-an-hour; thank God it was the former.

I did not mention in the review that the lady on the phone spoke with a heavy lisp and was missing most of her upper teeth on the right side of her mouth.  She was very sweet and I am being mean, but she made a real pair with the other lady.  Her co-worker was one of those women who is so skinny, you wonder how she manages to stay alive.  She was also covered in tattoos.

You can’t judge a book by its cover, but none of this inspired confidence.  People are already stressed with moving; just try to be competent and professional—just a little bit.  Please?

But, ultimately, I was only there twenty minutes.  So perhaps I’m the unprofessional and petty one.  All I ask is to be informed about what is happening so that I know how delayed I am going to be—that was the crux of my frustration Saturday morning.

Then I had to move an elliptical machine down a flight of stairs, and got over myself.

And I’ll still keep renting from U-Haul.

Shalalalala!