close up of a pile of chopped wood

Border Towns

The new town where Dr. Wife and I reside is about twenty minutes from the border between North and South Carolina.  When I go up to visit her at her little apartment in North Carolina (she’s living there during the weeks as she finishes up her medical residency), I drive through some tiny South Carolina border towns, places with names like “Tatum” and “McColl.”  The comparatively larger Laurinburg is on the North Carolina side of the border.

These little towns have some interesting features.  On the South Carolina side of the border, they’re tiny.  Tatum is a few ramshackle buildings and a local manufacturer; I’m not sure there’s even a gas station there.  McColl has a bit more going on, but not much.  This section of northeastern South Carolina is very rural, and lies far enough from major Interstates and other population centers that they’re not receiving much beyond commuter traffic, which usually flows out of these communities.

There’s also the people that want to buy fireworks.  On the South Carolina side, there are more and more fireworks stands the closet one gets to the State line.  Even though we’re still two months away from Independence Day, I will see multiple cars parked at these places when I drive by, so there is apparently an appetite for colorful explosives year-round.

Fireworks are apparently lucrative.  On the outskirts of McColl, the last town before hitting the North Carolina border, there is a little floral shop.  It’s cute and sports a faded but fun shade of pink.  On its sign, it advertises flowers—and fireworks.

As one drives closer to the North Carolina border, there are a number of dilapidated—or even entirely missing—video arcades.  I have vague childhood recollections of driving past similar places along the SC-NC border and getting excited that there were video game establishments, but my parents explained they were not arcades like we knew from the mall, but places where people played video poker.  One of these establishments has a garish onion dome a la the Kremlin or the Taj Mahal.  It is completely vacant.

Video poker was legal in South Carolina at some point in the 1990s.  The convenience store next to my late maternal grandfather’s furniture store in Bath, South Carolina had a video poker cabinet (it may have been blackjack), and I remember thinking it was insane that it cost a whopping two dollars to play.  Of course, it was likely illegal for me to play it; even if it weren’t, it was too expensive.

Remember, these were the days when most arcade games cost a quarter to play.  A good game—something really premium—cost fifty cents.  A really awesome, cutting-edge game at, say, Myrtle Beach might cost a dollar.  Two bucks to play a hand of poker or blackjack was outrageous (and not very appealing to a kid, anyway), but I imagine many a workman blew his pay packet at these machines every Friday night hoping to escape their situations (yes, there were desperately poor people in the 1990s).

I briefly (and unfortunately) dated the daughter of one of the guys who invented the video poker machine; he became a drug addict, which is tragic but, like most tragedies, also poetic.  She was a hot mess (emphasis on the mess, not the hot), and was emblematic of what I call “nouveau riche rednecks.”  They’re a type that jump from poverty to wealth too quickly, retaining a great deal of the trashiness associated with riotous country folk.  Imagine the people who spend all their money on four-wheelers and jet skis and $80,000 pickup trucks.

To be clear, I’m just two generations removed from poverty on my father’s side.  But my paternal grandfather and grandmother weren’t that kind of “country” Southerner that seem to be either the best or worst of people.  They were something else, due in large part to their devotion to Christ.  Yes, my Papa worked in the textile mill and Mama was a custodian at the library.  When I was a little kid, and Papa was retired, I thought he was a scrap dealer:  he would drive around in his awesome 1980s Honda Civic hatchback and pick up items people had tossed on the side of the road, then host a huge yard sale every fall.  Papa would boast about how the Save-a-Lot brand canned spaghetti and meatballs had one more meatball per can than Chef Boyardee; it struck me as the wisest thing I’d ever heard.

But I digress.  The point is that we slowly emerged from that milieu.  We did not succumb to the video poker bubble; indeed, I imagine my parents and grandparents were glad to see it go.  Governor David Beasley famously lost his re-election bid in the 1998 South Carolina gubernatorial race to Democrat Jim Hodges in large part because Beasley opposed video poker and a State lottery.  It was an object lesson in how the people will clamor for their own destruction, which is itself proof that they shouldn’t be allowed to gamble.

Well, they can’t get their video poker fix in South Carolina, but crossing the border into North Carolina’s Scotland County immediately presents visitors with multiple cinderblock boxes with neon signs shouting “777” and “Skill Games.”  These hastily-constructed hotboxes host video and other forms of gambling.  South Carolinians itching to risk their paycheck on a pipedream can easily hop the border, just as North Carolinians eager to explode LEGO men in their backyard with bottle rockets and Roman Candles can scuttle on down to South Carolina.

There’s something about that liminal space (to use a favorite buzzword of Internet essayists everywhere) in border regions that brings out the unsavoriness of human nature.  In a zone where legal and cultural and political identities melt into one another, unimagined possibilities gain life.  There are always merchants of vice willing to imagine those possibilities for their desperate customers—for a price.

At least in South Carolina the vice we sell is fireworks, which are more of a fun novelty than a depraved invitation to dark deeds.  I’d rather light up the sky with explosives than descend into the darkness of a vape-filled, cinderblocked gambling dungeon.

SubscribeStar Saturday: Epic Universe: Super Mario World

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My family and I took our annual-ish trip to Universal Studios earlier this week (Dr. Wife, sadly, is still in the depths of residency, so she was unable to join us).  This year’s trip was a bit different from those of yesteryear, however:  we visited Universal’s new park, Epic Universe, on our last day in Orlando.

Epic Universe has been in the works for years, and suffered (I believe) some delays due to The Age of The Virus.  The wait and the delays were worth it—it was truly, as my younger brother put it, the “theme park of the twenty-first century.”

The premise behind Epic Universe is that a central hub of celestial-themed rides and attractions leads to various “universes” or worlds.  Each one is accessed through a portal, and once you’re in one of the worlds, you are in it.  You can’t see the other worlds or the main hub until you leave that specific world.  Instead of areas blending together gradually, they’re distinct little pocket universes.

That separation greatly enhances the immersion.  When we were in Super Mario World—the subject of today’s post—it felt like we were inhabiting the world of Super Mario Brothers.  When we were in Dark Universe, the monster world, it was like being in an old Universal or Hammer horror flick.  The Harry Potter Ministry of Magic was akin to walking the streets of Paris—and so on.

Epic Universe consists of four separate worlds:  Super Mario World; Dark Universe; the Ministry of Magic (Paris); and the Island of Berk, from the How to Train Your Dragon film franchise.  There is also the Celestial Park hub area, which features the park’s signature coaster, Starlight Racers, and a celestial carousel at the center.

Today, I want to dive into the first of these worlds, the world of Mario, Luigi, Peach, Toad, Bowser, and the rest—Super Mario World.

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TBT^16: Road Trip!

All the recent fracas over Cracker Barrel changing its logo (an incredibly stupid move—people go to Cracker Barrel because it’s kitschy Americana with old photos hanging on the wall and Uncle Herschel leaning against a barrel) brings to mind another all-American institution:  the road trip (naturally, the best place to eat on a road trip is Cracker Barrel).  Yours portly hasn’t been able to do much of what would technically be considered “road tripping,” but I have been driving a lot.  Between going to see Dr. Fiancée, attending family events, playing piano in another town on Sundays, and running distant errands, I’ve been keeping the road hot.

Of course, here in the United States we just observed one of our major road trip holiday weekends, Labor Day.  It’s the last big vacation weekend before we slowly creep into autumn.  I can attest that the cars and the cops have been out in force.

These days, I only really want to take road trips with Dr. Fiancée, but those will have to wait until she finishes residency.  Otherwise, I’d much prefer just driving to and from work—and to see her!

With that, here is 5 September 2024’s “TBT^4: Road Trip!“:

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SubscribeStar Saturday: Myrtle Beach 2025: Ripley’s Believe It or Not!

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My brothers and I took an overnight trip last weekend to Myrtle Beach.  Growing up, we would go to Myrtle Beach every summer for our dad to attend a big public works conference.  While he languished away in conference sessions all day, our mom would take us all over Myrtle Beach to various attractions.

Naturally, we have fond memories of these annual trips, and we have several regular spots we like to check out on our visits as adults.  One is the weird, wacky museum (for lack of a better word) that is Ripley’s Believe It or Not!

Ripley’s is named for the famed cartoonist Robert Ripley, who started his Believe It or Not! concept as a newspaper column.  Ripley travelled the world and scrupulously documented everyone of his claims, even employing a team of researchers to help corroborate the wild facts that came pouring in from his journeys and his readers alike.  Ripley built his first museum of oddities, which he called an “Odditorium,” in Chicago in 1933.  He was also responsible for mobilizing public opinion in favor of making “The Star-Spangled Banner” the official national anthem of the United States (Congress passed a law, which President Herbert Hoover signed into law, in 1931, making the song the official anthem).

Ripley’s “Odditoriums” capture something of the spirit of a circus sideshow while also being, essentially, cosmopolitan museums of anthropology and natural history.  If all of the artifacts, human remains, fossils, animals, etc., in a Ripley’s were presented less sensationally, almost all of them would fit nicely into the environment of your standard history or natural history museum.  Ripley’s, however, goes a step further, and makes these weird, scary, cool things even more weird, scary, and cool by way of a mysterious, slightly sleazy, very sensationalistic presentation.

Consider that the name of the “Odditoriums” officially end with an exclamation point:  Ripley’s Believe It or Not!  Almost every placard has a nice exclamation point in its description, adding that extra level of grammatical excitement.  It really draws attention to how wild, crazy, and/or unusual the factoid is, which just makes it even more memorable.

Then, of course, there are the artifacts themselves.  Some are replicas; some are full-sized wax figures; some are actual artifacts.  I was surprised by the sheer number of actual human remains on display in the museum, from shrunken heads to limbs to mummies.  There are additionally wax reproductions of people with strange deformities, like a man with two pupils and irises in each eye; a Chinese man with a candle implanted into his skull; and a woman with a horn growing out of her head.  There’s even a model of a pig, John Arnold, with six legs (and he’s from Darlington, South Carolina!):

The museum has a fun, often spooky, slightly dangerous feel to it, even though it is perfectly safe.  It very much conjures up that sensation of being at a weird circus or county fair, with all sorts of freaks and oddballs skulking about.

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SubscribeStar Saturday: Chicago 2025: Field Museum of Natural History

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Every summer for the past three summers I’ve taken a trip to see my older brother, who lives in Indianapolis, Indiana.  I go the week of the Fourth of July, when everything slows down and we can enjoy some quality time together.

As part of my visits, we always spend a day or two in Chicago.  We will drive a couple of hours north from Indy to Hammond, Indiana, where we catch the South Shore Line train to Chicago’s Millennium Station.

Every visit is different, as Chicago contains multitudes of everything:  museums, restaurants, public artworks, parks, libraries, theatres—and a Dunkin’ Donuts on every block.  It is also a wonderland of architecture, as various Gilded Age magnates competed with one another following the Great Chicago Fire to build the biggest, tallest, most ornate buildings in the world.  I love how every nook and cranny of Chicago seems to possess some beautiful architectural flourish and Gothic ornamentation.

This trip, we decided to spend the morning of our second day to visit the legendary Field Museum of Natural History.  The Field Museum is most notable for Sue, the massive Tyrannosaurus Rex fossil, a replica of which is on display deep in the bowels of the museum.  Her actual skull is displayed nearby, as well as this impressive Triceratops skull:

Photo Credit: Paul G. Cook
An old fossil—and a triceratops skull!

I love museums, and while I love art and historical museums, I think natural history museums are my favorites by far.  There is something mind-blowing and humbling about witnessing the breadth and depth of God’s Creation, from ancient beasts to exquisite gemstones to human artifacts (the last of which, really, is an extension of God’s Creative Power, that small sliver with which he endowed us humans, made in His Image).

The Field Museum had all of that—and more!—in glorious abundance.

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SubscribeStar Saturday: Indianapolis Trip with Back to the Future (1985)

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Last weekend I flew up to Indianapolis to see Back to the Future (1985) in concert, meaning that a live symphony orchestra performed the Alan Silvestri score.  My older brother, who lives in Indianapolis, found the concert, which was performed by the excellent Indiana Symphony Orchestra.

The funny thing is that my brother and I did not realize they were screening the film until we arrived at the venue; we thought it was just going to be music from the movie, not music with the movie.  My brother was skeptical until we went to our seats, and saw a massive screen suspended above the orchestra:

The venue itself was pretty cool; it is an historic theatre located on Indianapolis’s famous Monument Circle:

They also had a classic DeLorean parked out front:

I typically drive up to Indianapolis once a year to see my older brother, but this trip required me to fly up and back in the span of about thirty-six hours.  I was really impressed with how smoothly American Airlines made the whole process.

I have not always had the best experiences flying, but this trip the airline did not seem to treat me like cattle to be abused and mistreated.  It’s also amazing how easy it is to fly when you can just toss everything into a bookbag.

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Held Hostage by a Trans Autist at McDonald’s

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A couple of weekends ago I played a gig in Hampstead, North Carolina, located a bit to the north of Wilmington, North Carolina.  One time-honored tradition of any road trip is the obligatory stop at McDonald’s.

According to my budgeting software, the last time I had been to a McDonald’s (at least on my own dime) was March 2024, so this visit was my first to a McDonald’s location in slightly over a year.  That March 2024 visit was the inspiration for my post “McDonald’s: A Vision of Our Dystopian Future,” which I reblogged two weeks ago.  After that odd, filthy experience, I figured it would some time before I darkened the double arches again.

But there’s something about eating one of those pathetic little cheeseburgers late at night on the road that holds a certain allure for yours portly.  I actually really love the basic McDonald’s cheeseburger, even though the bun has the consistency of moist Styrofoam and the patty is thinner than stick bug.  That pickle—that single, succulent pickle brings the entire sandwich together.

So it was that I found myself fumbling with the McDonald’s app late that Saturday night, rocketing through the inky night of empty eastern North Carolina, placing my order for a large, two-cheeseburger combo and using a 30% off coupon.  I soon found myself in an unknown town in an unfamiliar part of rural North Carolina, pulling up to a McDonald’s my app insisted had already closed its dining room.  When I saw people coming and going freely from the dining room, I decided to go inside to see if I could avoid the heinously long drive-through line.

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SubscribeStar Saturday: Sax Road Gig

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Last Saturday, 22 March 2025, I drove up to Hampstead, North Carolina to play a rare GigSalad booking.  GigSalad is a website that connects performers of all types with those seeking their services, and GigSalad takes it’s cut (5% for free members, 2.5% for pro members).  In the years that I have been using the service—admittedly, only intermittently—I’ve only booked two gigs through it.  That’s not huge volume, but I look at it this way:  those two gigs are money and experience I never would have had otherwise.

GigSalad users on the talent-buying end, in my experience, are not typically savvy to the unwritten rules and customs of booking talent.  That’s not a problem—most people are not—and GigSalad is meant to smooth over that interaction, acting as a middleman to the exchange to protect both the talent and the buyer.  But the service is rife with people looking for three-hour engagements with a budget of $100 or the like.  In other words, the clientele tend to be a bit low-rent.

Yours portly isn’t exactly some high-class musician, but I know what my time and talent are worth, and I charge accordingly.  My standard performance rate now is, depending on the client, $300 per performance hour.  Note that, if someone books me to play one hour, there is about three hours of total commitment when factoring in travel, setup, teardown, etc.  It’s more time if I have to travel a long distance.  I also almost always play more than booked—I start playing before my official start time (if appropriate) and will often play beyond the official end time (again, if/when appropriate).

By “depending on the client,” I mean it depends on the type of client and the gig.  Individuals are different than, say, large institutions.  A large local hospital system in my area hires me for a couple of gigs a year; they have the budget to pay me $300 (and probably more) to play piano or noodle on the sax as background music for an hour.  A local who needs sax for, say, background music for a small event might not get that same charge.  But if it’s a wedding, the $300 rate applies.

That kind of conditional pricing my shock some buyers, but it’s just the way of things.  Institutional buyers want to pay more (within reason), because if the price is too low, they begin to suspect the quality of the product.  They’re also usually dealing with big entertainment budgets that need to be spent.  Of course, we all know that anything related to weddings has a built-in markup.

But I digress.  The issue is not the earnest local in need of some ambience or the large institution looking for the same.  It’s usually the earnest local or out-of-towner who thinks it is reasonable to pay a musician $100 for providing hours of music.

Fortunately, that was not the situation last Saturday.  I was booked to play sax for a small dinner party with a vaguely French theme.  The talent buyer was extremely communicative and savvy, and after a few days of waiting for institutional approval (the event was attached to a large life insurance company), the deal was struck.  Their upward budget was $300 for two hours of music, but I took it because a.) I needed the money and b.) I want to build up my reputation on GigSalad a bit.  Also, c.) I missed playing out on the road.

I’m glad I took the slight price cut (again, these prices are not hard and fast); it was a very enjoyable evening, and that $300 booking will doubtlessly result in hundreds of more dollars going forward.

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SubscribeStar Saturday: Universal Studios 2025

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This past weekend I took my first trip of the year to Universal Studios, a perennial destination for my family.  February is always a fun time to go, as the Mardi Gras decorations and theming are out in full force.  I’m not a big Mardi Gras guy, but it’s fun to see French Cajun decadence on full display, albeit in a sanitized, commercial form.

It was a whirlwind weekend, as trips to Universal Studios always are.  We kicked things off with a hastily-planned birthday for my grandfather, who turned 90 (!) this past Tuesday.  That necessitated a rapid retreat from school on Friday to link up with my younger brother and his wife and kids, so we could all drive down to our old hometown together to meet the family for dinner.  Needless to say, I slept like a big fat baby after a busy Friday and a bulging barbecue buffet belly.

The trip began early Saturday morning, with my parents meeting us at my younger brother’s house, and we commenced to convoy down to Orlando, Florida.  The drive is not that bad, and we break it up with a bathroom stop (or two) and a trip to Cracker Barrel.

(For my English readers, Cracker Barrel is a country cookin’—note the dropped “g”—restaurant that, like Mardi Gras at Universal Studios, is a sanitized, commercialized simulacrum of a “meat-and-three”; that is, a form of restaurant that serves “comfort food” like fried chicken, usually with three vegetables or sides.)

We actually managed to get away quite early and make good time, so that we were in the park around 4:30 PM Saturday.  My older brother had flown in from Indianapolis and had already spent a full day in Islands of Adventure, so we synced up with him and commenced our adventure.

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TBT^2: More Mountain Musings

It’s been awhile since I’ve been to the mountains—the last trip was hiking with a friend of mine in early August—and the mountains of western North Carolina were devastated during Hurricane Helene.  One does not typically associate the Appalachian Mountains with severe hurricane damage, but there you have it—the hurricane hit in just such a way that western North and South Carolina suffered terrible damage.  My hometown of Aiken, South Carolina still has massive piles of leaves and tree trunks awaiting pickup from overextended State work crews, and it’s been two months since the storm.

Regardless, it’s fun to look back on my various mountain adventures.  I find that I need to get up to the mountains periodically to rest and recharge.  I’m not sure when I’ll get back up there again, but I’m looking forward to it, hopefully with Dr. Girlfriend, her dog, and Murphy along for the fun.

With that, here is 18 January 2024’s “TBT: More Mountain Musings“:

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