TBT: Held Hostage by a Trans Autist at McDonald’s

In looking for a piece to reblog for this installment of TBT, I stumbled upon this piece involving some late-night McDonald’s shenanigans.  I really should compile a short collection of essays about my various misadventures at McDonald’s—and other fast food joints.  Slapping together fifty pages musing about fast food in the 2020s would be much like the food itself—cheap, reprocessed garbage that costs too much and is unfit for human consumption.

And yet, the cheap flavor and saltiness of such a volume would entice just as a nocturnal cheeseburger might.  What say you, dear readers?  Should I put together such a lofty tome?  Leave a comment and let me know.

With that, here is 2 April 2025’s “Held Hostage by a Trans Autist at McDonald’s“:

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SubscribeStar Saturday: Epic Universe: Super Mario World

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My family and I took our annual-ish trip to Universal Studios earlier this week (Dr. Wife, sadly, is still in the depths of residency, so she was unable to join us).  This year’s trip was a bit different from those of yesteryear, however:  we visited Universal’s new park, Epic Universe, on our last day in Orlando.

Epic Universe has been in the works for years, and suffered (I believe) some delays due to The Age of The Virus.  The wait and the delays were worth it—it was truly, as my younger brother put it, the “theme park of the twenty-first century.”

The premise behind Epic Universe is that a central hub of celestial-themed rides and attractions leads to various “universes” or worlds.  Each one is accessed through a portal, and once you’re in one of the worlds, you are in it.  You can’t see the other worlds or the main hub until you leave that specific world.  Instead of areas blending together gradually, they’re distinct little pocket universes.

That separation greatly enhances the immersion.  When we were in Super Mario World—the subject of today’s post—it felt like we were inhabiting the world of Super Mario Brothers.  When we were in Dark Universe, the monster world, it was like being in an old Universal or Hammer horror flick.  The Harry Potter Ministry of Magic was akin to walking the streets of Paris—and so on.

Epic Universe consists of four separate worlds:  Super Mario World; Dark Universe; the Ministry of Magic (Paris); and the Island of Berk, from the How to Train Your Dragon film franchise.  There is also the Celestial Park hub area, which features the park’s signature coaster, Starlight Racers, and a celestial carousel at the center.

Today, I want to dive into the first of these worlds, the world of Mario, Luigi, Peach, Toad, Bowser, and the rest—Super Mario World.

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Universal Studios

Yours portly is with his family in Orlando, Florida, at Universal Studios. Dr. Wife, sadly, is not with us; she’s on a difficult hospital in-patient rotation. Residency is the gift thar keeps on giving!

Here’s a picture from last night as the park was shutting down:

More to come.

Happy Sunday!

—TPP

TBT^16: Road Trip!

All the recent fracas over Cracker Barrel changing its logo (an incredibly stupid move—people go to Cracker Barrel because it’s kitschy Americana with old photos hanging on the wall and Uncle Herschel leaning against a barrel) brings to mind another all-American institution:  the road trip (naturally, the best place to eat on a road trip is Cracker Barrel).  Yours portly hasn’t been able to do much of what would technically be considered “road tripping,” but I have been driving a lot.  Between going to see Dr. Fiancée, attending family events, playing piano in another town on Sundays, and running distant errands, I’ve been keeping the road hot.

Of course, here in the United States we just observed one of our major road trip holiday weekends, Labor Day.  It’s the last big vacation weekend before we slowly creep into autumn.  I can attest that the cars and the cops have been out in force.

These days, I only really want to take road trips with Dr. Fiancée, but those will have to wait until she finishes residency.  Otherwise, I’d much prefer just driving to and from work—and to see her!

With that, here is 5 September 2024’s “TBT^4: Road Trip!“:

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SubscribeStar Saturday: Myrtle Beach 2025: Ripley’s Believe It or Not!

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My brothers and I took an overnight trip last weekend to Myrtle Beach.  Growing up, we would go to Myrtle Beach every summer for our dad to attend a big public works conference.  While he languished away in conference sessions all day, our mom would take us all over Myrtle Beach to various attractions.

Naturally, we have fond memories of these annual trips, and we have several regular spots we like to check out on our visits as adults.  One is the weird, wacky museum (for lack of a better word) that is Ripley’s Believe It or Not!

Ripley’s is named for the famed cartoonist Robert Ripley, who started his Believe It or Not! concept as a newspaper column.  Ripley travelled the world and scrupulously documented everyone of his claims, even employing a team of researchers to help corroborate the wild facts that came pouring in from his journeys and his readers alike.  Ripley built his first museum of oddities, which he called an “Odditorium,” in Chicago in 1933.  He was also responsible for mobilizing public opinion in favor of making “The Star-Spangled Banner” the official national anthem of the United States (Congress passed a law, which President Herbert Hoover signed into law, in 1931, making the song the official anthem).

Ripley’s “Odditoriums” capture something of the spirit of a circus sideshow while also being, essentially, cosmopolitan museums of anthropology and natural history.  If all of the artifacts, human remains, fossils, animals, etc., in a Ripley’s were presented less sensationally, almost all of them would fit nicely into the environment of your standard history or natural history museum.  Ripley’s, however, goes a step further, and makes these weird, scary, cool things even more weird, scary, and cool by way of a mysterious, slightly sleazy, very sensationalistic presentation.

Consider that the name of the “Odditoriums” officially end with an exclamation point:  Ripley’s Believe It or Not!  Almost every placard has a nice exclamation point in its description, adding that extra level of grammatical excitement.  It really draws attention to how wild, crazy, and/or unusual the factoid is, which just makes it even more memorable.

Then, of course, there are the artifacts themselves.  Some are replicas; some are full-sized wax figures; some are actual artifacts.  I was surprised by the sheer number of actual human remains on display in the museum, from shrunken heads to limbs to mummies.  There are additionally wax reproductions of people with strange deformities, like a man with two pupils and irises in each eye; a Chinese man with a candle implanted into his skull; and a woman with a horn growing out of her head.  There’s even a model of a pig, John Arnold, with six legs (and he’s from Darlington, South Carolina!):

The museum has a fun, often spooky, slightly dangerous feel to it, even though it is perfectly safe.  It very much conjures up that sensation of being at a weird circus or county fair, with all sorts of freaks and oddballs skulking about.

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Phone it in Friday XCVI: YouTube Roundup LCVI: Mass Transit

Somehow, some of my most popular content on YouTube has been very short videos of public transportation.  No, they aren’t people behaving badly on mass transit; they’re literally just videos of various modes of transport.

Perhaps I’ve tapped into some strange niche.  Or maybe the algorithm just liked that I was posting videos from more populous regions during my recent trip to Indianapolis.

Regardless, here are some trains and planes (no automobiles, sorry) for your enjoyment:

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TBT^4: Touring the Solar System in Rural Maine

One of these days, I’m going to head up to Maine and do this tour of the Solar System.  I was talking to Dr. Fiancée, and she is onboard, as she is with any travel proposal.  The real question is now will we do it, but when we will do it.  That remains to be seen.  At this point, it’s as amorphous as an intergalactic gas cloud.

With that, here is 13 June 2024’s “TBT^2: Touring the Solar System in Rural Maine“:

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SubscribeStar Saturday: Indianapolis Trip with Back to the Future (1985)

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Last weekend I flew up to Indianapolis to see Back to the Future (1985) in concert, meaning that a live symphony orchestra performed the Alan Silvestri score.  My older brother, who lives in Indianapolis, found the concert, which was performed by the excellent Indiana Symphony Orchestra.

The funny thing is that my brother and I did not realize they were screening the film until we arrived at the venue; we thought it was just going to be music from the movie, not music with the movie.  My brother was skeptical until we went to our seats, and saw a massive screen suspended above the orchestra:

The venue itself was pretty cool; it is an historic theatre located on Indianapolis’s famous Monument Circle:

They also had a classic DeLorean parked out front:

I typically drive up to Indianapolis once a year to see my older brother, but this trip required me to fly up and back in the span of about thirty-six hours.  I was really impressed with how smoothly American Airlines made the whole process.

I have not always had the best experiences flying, but this trip the airline did not seem to treat me like cattle to be abused and mistreated.  It’s also amazing how easy it is to fly when you can just toss everything into a bookbag.

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Held Hostage by a Trans Autist at McDonald’s

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A couple of weekends ago I played a gig in Hampstead, North Carolina, located a bit to the north of Wilmington, North Carolina.  One time-honored tradition of any road trip is the obligatory stop at McDonald’s.

According to my budgeting software, the last time I had been to a McDonald’s (at least on my own dime) was March 2024, so this visit was my first to a McDonald’s location in slightly over a year.  That March 2024 visit was the inspiration for my post “McDonald’s: A Vision of Our Dystopian Future,” which I reblogged two weeks ago.  After that odd, filthy experience, I figured it would some time before I darkened the double arches again.

But there’s something about eating one of those pathetic little cheeseburgers late at night on the road that holds a certain allure for yours portly.  I actually really love the basic McDonald’s cheeseburger, even though the bun has the consistency of moist Styrofoam and the patty is thinner than stick bug.  That pickle—that single, succulent pickle brings the entire sandwich together.

So it was that I found myself fumbling with the McDonald’s app late that Saturday night, rocketing through the inky night of empty eastern North Carolina, placing my order for a large, two-cheeseburger combo and using a 30% off coupon.  I soon found myself in an unknown town in an unfamiliar part of rural North Carolina, pulling up to a McDonald’s my app insisted had already closed its dining room.  When I saw people coming and going freely from the dining room, I decided to go inside to see if I could avoid the heinously long drive-through line.

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SubscribeStar Saturday: Universal Studios 2025

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This past weekend I took my first trip of the year to Universal Studios, a perennial destination for my family.  February is always a fun time to go, as the Mardi Gras decorations and theming are out in full force.  I’m not a big Mardi Gras guy, but it’s fun to see French Cajun decadence on full display, albeit in a sanitized, commercial form.

It was a whirlwind weekend, as trips to Universal Studios always are.  We kicked things off with a hastily-planned birthday for my grandfather, who turned 90 (!) this past Tuesday.  That necessitated a rapid retreat from school on Friday to link up with my younger brother and his wife and kids, so we could all drive down to our old hometown together to meet the family for dinner.  Needless to say, I slept like a big fat baby after a busy Friday and a bulging barbecue buffet belly.

The trip began early Saturday morning, with my parents meeting us at my younger brother’s house, and we commenced to convoy down to Orlando, Florida.  The drive is not that bad, and we break it up with a bathroom stop (or two) and a trip to Cracker Barrel.

(For my English readers, Cracker Barrel is a country cookin’—note the dropped “g”—restaurant that, like Mardi Gras at Universal Studios, is a sanitized, commercialized simulacrum of a “meat-and-three”; that is, a form of restaurant that serves “comfort food” like fried chicken, usually with three vegetables or sides.)

We actually managed to get away quite early and make good time, so that we were in the park around 4:30 PM Saturday.  My older brother had flown in from Indianapolis and had already spent a full day in Islands of Adventure, so we synced up with him and commenced our adventure.

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